Welcome back... dick

Well, well, well. Summer is over and I guess that means it's time for us to get back to work here at Chachi Online. I mean after all, we couldn't just let the LTC end with the June 99 issue. It may be the best damn issue we have and I like to think of it as the best damn article about Star Wars ever written. Preach on, tell the truth Pastor Ray. Amen brothas and sistas... Since the release of The Phantom Menace, there has been much talk about Episode II and were going to talk about the rumors and possible plot lines... or maybe just tell ya how we want it to turn out. Anyway it's September and the summer is over, Phantom Menace has come and gone and Chachi Online is over a year old now. Yes that's right Chachi had a birthday over the summer. We turned one year old on July 15th 1999 and have given you one year of shit. I think this is a good time for one of your lines Kevy. What, like about I want some B-day presents from some cute little 14 year old girls in tank tops? That's about the only line I can think of right now, other than Palpatine isn't Sidious. Hmmm... been watching Britney Spears videos again haven't you? As a matter of fact, she was supposed to attend Marquette University, a few blocks from my campus. But, the god's weren't on my side and she isn't going to college. Leave it to Wisconsin to ruin a good thing.

As many of you know, EPII is going to be a love story between Anakin, Obi Wan, R2-D2 and Natalie Portman, er I mean Queen Amidala. However, there is a rumor that I reported about in CMN that states Boba Fett is suppose to be in EPII. Which I would like to state is complete bullshit, and Lucas better have some damn master plan to please all of us with this story line fuck up. Yeah. I mean, what the fuck, let's just put fucking Wciket in EPII while we're at it. He could live with Jar-Jar in the forests of Naboo, and maybe rape Amidala or something. Holy shit, you sure do have a rage there. Anyway, I say good old Boba won't be in EPII. Yeah that's right, I'm calling it bullshit. Oh? There may be some mandolorian warriors and what not, but not Fett. I think this is just a play on words like all the LFL guys always do. They say one thing, but really mean another. Another reason why I think Fett won't be in the film is because he is about the same age as Han Solo (29) in A New Hope, it says so in the books which I might add are official and approved by Lucas himself. I guess if Lucas breaks the time line now and puts Fett in the movie, it will be a retribution to those who hate Jar Jar. I think Jar-Jar is Fett. That would explain the subtle friendship between Vader and Fett later on. Nah, Jar Jar is actually one of the queens handmaidens in disguise.

Now about this Love triangle... Yes, what I've heard is that it's supposed to be some love triangle between Obi, Ani, and Ami, but since Obi is a point of view preaching prick, we know he won't get any play. You forgot about R2... and Obi Wan is going to be 50,'cause his ass looks 70 in A New Hope. You can just hear him now giving pillow talk to Amidala about loving her or something, then afterwards saying he loved her, just not that way, and he still loves her "from a certain point of view." Fuckin spunk-monkey. I tell you he sure annoys me sometimes, I think Darth Maul let him kill him, cause he felt bad for Obi Wan, him being an apprentice as old as 20 or whatever. Ha Ha... You know they start training those fuckers young, and that's quite a while. Yeah Obi Wan is 24 in TPM. Now personally, I think Ani gets it on with R2. They do create quite a bond in a short amount of time and this next film is like 10 years after, so you know... nothing wrong with a little robot sex. Wow, no comment here.

In several interviews, Lucas stated that In the next episodes, we will definitely see why Qui-Gon didn't disappear at the end of TPM. After seeing the Jedi council, I think we know all know why he didn't disappear like the rest of the Jedi. It was because he was a rebel. Qui-Gon didn't go around kissing all of the Jedi Council's asses. If you want to get to Jedi heaven, you gotta worship the almighty Jedi, plain and simple. I bet the council even sent Qui-Gon to fight Maul in hopes that he would die because he annoyed the shit out of them. I betcha THEY created Maul and trained him just to kill Qui-Gon. You all saw how the Jedi treated Qui-Gon in TPM, if you don't know what's up, then I suggest you get the low down in the June LTC. Sidious is a good guy, he's The Dark Woman I'm hearing shit about. You see?? Nah, Sidious is Palpatine who is actually Admiral Ackbar... So, ray showed me to some info on some Aurra Sing Jedi bounty hunter who is supposed to be in EPII. How many times I have to tell ya? My name is spelled with a capital R.. dumb ass wookies can't spell for shit! I saw that shot with her in it the first time I saw TPM, where she was watching the pod race. I thought she was just some fruit Indian type person who lived in the cliffs or something. ha ha ha. She's supposed to have killed 6 Jedi or something. Well, I have a feeling good old Ani will wipe her ass out anyway, so what's the deal if she kills some goody goody Jedis' in the meantime? Nice hair bitch. You really want to see them die don't you? Yea, except Yarael Poof, the long neck Jedi who looks high all the time. Prolly got it from Captain John Smith, just like Wahoonsonacock. Well this was a long time ago... it's possible. Anyway, a lot of rumors are going around right now about this Aurra Sing character. Capital R, stupid smuggler going for girls ten years younger. <== Where the hell did that come from???...Well, in ANH Han is 29 and Leia is 18 or whatever... well she was 19 and I'm still wondering what the hell this has to do with Aurra Sing??? The main rumor about Sing is that she is an ex-Padawan who was forced to leave the order due to her Dark Side tendencies... I read she dropped out of training. This is one thing that makes no sense. The Jedi kick you out if you have dark tendencies. What, do they expect you to just go "oh well" and quit all force using? No. Of course you won't, you want power, and you'll keep going to the dark side cause its the quickest easiest way to get it. Those fucking Jedi piss me the fuck off, Christ. Fucking get mutilated al ready so I can cheer. You would be the perfect Dark Lord... Anyway, Aurra is now a bounty hunter and specifically likes to hunt Jedi and this is why she is on Tatooine. Darth Sidious hears of this and contacts Sing, telling her that if she joins him, she will be given the opportunity to get revenge on the prick Jedi. She becomes the next apprentice to Sidious. There is also a possibility that she is the one who kills Shmi Skywalker. When Anakin hears of this, he gets pissed and in EPIII, he rams his saber up her ass and his journey to the Dark Side is complete... Well Dark Horse comics says that Lucas Licensing came to them and asked them to develop this Aurra Sing chick. So they put her a couple of comics and all of a sudden SW fans go ape shit. Something just doesn't feel right with Aurra, I mean the rumor is pretty cool and all, but look at her, she's not scary, or intimidating like Maul or Vader or even wrinkly ass Palpatine for that matter. Sidious too. Sidious is Palpatine... Aurra Sing is not GL's style for bad guys. I think they put her out there for the book and comic companies to make them some money. Just about every one is into SW right now and this is just more shit for them to buy. Hey, where are the lightsabers that are supposed to be on her waist in the pic? I thought your mom kept them...

Ok, what's up with the Clone Wars and the Madolorian Warriors? That's what I'd like to know as well. Again, from rumors it sounds as though the Clone War battle may not be the climax for EPII. I still don't understand any of the cloning shit. Cloned what? Are a bunch of clone people made and sent to fight, and fight who? Are Jedi cloned? Are Mandalores cloned? Help us out here George you fat fuck! Come now Kevy, settle down. I'll help you out with all of this cloning stuff you have so many questions about. First off, George is not a fat fuck, he is just set in his way of secrecy. Ok, the cloning started small. My blood line descendant R2D2 (my real name is actually Ray2D2), comes up with the idea of cloning because he is tied down to Anakin, Ani just can't get enough of the robot sex. R2 in a desperate attempt to free himself up for other things in life, clones himself and goes off on a vacation while his clone tends to Anakins needs. While on his vacation Sidious/Palpatine learns of this technology and uses it for his evil little scheme. This is where the Mandolorian warriors come in. Good old Palpy clones a bunch of hard asses to take on the Jedi... are you with me so far? Ok now the Jedi find themselves out numbered so they clone a bunch of Jedi, mainly Ki Adi Mundi, the cone head Jedi. Ki-Adi-Mundi then takes the cone clones to the planet Duros to fight the Mandolorian warriors. The battle on Duros is a carefully layed plan to distract the Jedi council and leave the temple open for attack. Palpy sends his head apprentice, Darth Vibrator, to lead his army of dark Jedi and storm the temple. The council is caught with their robes down and ramming their saber handles up each others asses when the dark Jedi attack. In a paniced attempt to defend the temple, some Jedi are cleved in half as sabers are ignited before they are pulled out of each others asses. The Jedi are defeated, only Mace, Yoda and Poof escape the building before it blows up and go off to find Obi and Ani who are in search of the real R2D2. Fade to black, roll credits. Did this help you at all? Jesus Christ your a sick bastard. The only thing I have to say is that it's cool that Poof lives. Goddamn... whatever. What! how come whenever I come up with something like this it's sick, but if you do it or make references to 14 year old girls, it's OK?? I wonder why that is... I think you know why that is, I am Koresh, you are a Branch Kevidian. Oh, yeah.

Hey everyone, wish my ass a Happy Birthday on the 21st, I will be a whopping 22 years old, with arthritis already. So how many 14 year olds does Biker have lined up for you?? Not enough, the dirty bastard. See you wacky fucks next month. I'll tell you what new snowboard I got. Later... Hmmm, Well I guess Kevy is off to celebrate his birthday and all.. that brings us to the end of another LTC. I don't know what we will cover next month, but I think we'll throw in some of our SW revelations from time to time. See ya next month.

Kevin

Ray