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Hello, and welcome to the March '99 installment of The Lunchtray
Conspiracy. Hi everyone. This month
we'll be covering topics ranging from movies to skating to music.
In other terms, the same old shit. Movie-wise, since this is the
month that includes the day of celebration for a drunk nation, we'll
be talking about the Leprechaun movies, 1-4. Hey
Koresh, I don't mean to interrupt, but can I wave to everyone?
Please? Go ahead and wave your drunk
hand to everyone, see if I care. How about
I smack your face up with it. I'm also going to talk shortly
about a rad movie I just saw, Ronin. We'll also cover the downfall
of Powell Peralta to The Powell Corporation. Maybe some Jedi Knight
shit too, and the bastard sysops who act like fascist fucks. I
have news about a great TV show that is getting the shaft and a
Mel Gibson double header movie review. Well, as they say
in Deathmatch, let's get it on!
Ok, for those of you stupid fucks out there that only watch shit
like Titanic, we're gonna review the Leprechaun movies because of
Ray's drunken ancestors holiday, St. Patty's Day. Kiss
me, I'm Irish. The leprechaun through all these movies was
none other than Warwick Davis, the most famous midget. What
about that midget skater or that midget porn star? He played
Wicket in Return of the Jedi when he was like 11, and he'll also
be starring in The Phantom Menace. By the
way, it's only about 3 months till the Phantom Menace hits theater
across America. Leprechaun, the original, took place in some
house these people were remodeling, and this kid and his retard
friend just happen to find the end of a rainbow and a pot of gold.
The leprechaun gets pissed, and goes on a rampage to get his shit
back. All I have to say is the best part is when the people are
trying to escape, but the leprechaun is outside the house. They
realize leprechauns are shoemakers or some shit, since they are
elves. So they toss a shit load of shoes outside and the leprechaun
runs around shining them all while the people escape. Another funny
part is when he finds some Lucky Charms cereal and tries it. He
gets all pissed and spits it out. Believe
it or not, I saw the first Leprechaun movie at the theater. I was
13 or 14 and my dad took me and a friend to see it. Well my dad
fell asleep so we decorated him with various things we found around
the theater. Jennifer Anniston also stars in this movie.
Leprechaun 2 is better, it gets more comedic. We also get to see
some blondes tits too. Really? I don't remember
that part. Highlights include the black midget leprechaun
and his sayings. I like the part where that
Morty guy thinks he beat the Leprechaun and wins the gold, but he
gets tricked and the gold winds up in his stomach and he starts
moaning like the drunk fool he is. I guess that is kind of wrong
to think that's funny but I guess I'm a sick bastard. I also like
it when the leprechaun runs people over with the go carts. Part
3 is the best one. It takes place in Las Vegas, and the leprechaun
has a million funny little rhymes he says throughout the movie.
"That was a terrible trick, and for that I'll chop of your dick!"
"You told me a terrible lie, and now your going to die!" Remember
we watched that over at Paul's house and his dad started saying
all of that shit, to funny. I like the part when the store clerk
gets his ass kicked by the leprechaun, he gets the baseball bat
to the back of the knee then right in the head, that guy had spirit.
It's called the human instinct Ray. Oh really
guidance counselor Brandt. The want to live.
Only suiciders just sit back and die. I'd fight back if some ugly
midget in green was swinging shit at me, then I'd fucking shit in
his pot of gold. I have a feeling you would be crying like
a little bitch to me for help. Yeah then with
your backwards Irish luck you would get your leg cut off and I would
laugh at you. More blondes in this flick too. Number 4 I don't want
to talk about. It was filmed in super VHS so it looks like a Nickelodeon
show, takes place in space, and has shitty actors, acting and plot.
I never saw number 4 so I can't really say anything about. I think
MST3k should get the rights to the first Leprechaun and rip the
hell out of it. That would kick ass.
OK, I'd just like to say a few things about
Ronin. It ruled.
Hell yeah it did, about time Robert DeNiro played a bad ass mofo
again. It also stared the Jean Reno (The Professional) I like that
guy. It took place in Europe, with skinny
cobblestone streets, with fast ass car chases in European cars.
Yes, tight ass driving with lots of emphasis going into the editing
of the car chases, it just gets your adrenaline going, makes me
want to trade my Honda in on a euro made car. DeNiro plays an interesting
character. All action hardly any talking,
it ruled ass. Another thing that was cool was the gun shot
effects, they sounded like real guns in a real environment, what
I mean is when you shoot a gun it's loud like in a typical action
movie, but in real life it's not as loud and you will also hear
a echo after every shot, which you do in this film, I don't know
I thought it was cool... Go watch it, enough
said.
OK, I'm going to review a semi old movie that is out on video,
Lethal Weapon 4. This movie brings
Mel Gibson (Riggs) and Danny Glover (Murtaugh) back together again
along with Joe Pesci (Leo) ah, that one woman (She is Riggs girlfriend)
and new comers Chris Rock (Butter) and Jet Li (bad guy, dead guy,
it's all the same in these movies). OK, this movie starts out in
a big way. It spoofs a real life incident that happened back in
the late winter early spring of '97. The one where those two guys
were all dressed up in body armor and were pretty much a 2 man army
in LA taking on the whole damn police department. (where they failed,
Koresh would succeed) I laughed in the face
of those fools. Well LW4 starts out in the same matter. From
this point it's one big action laugh fest and you might as well
strap in for the ride. The plot of this movie deals with Asian slaves
being smuggled into America. After Riggs and Murtaugh bust a slave
ship, Murtaugh find compassion for some of them and well takes them
into his home which as you can guess brings the bad guys into the
picture, who really want these slaves so they can make some counterfeit
money. OUUAT. Braaaaains. Kehrberg was funny.
He thought up all the wacky sayings. Oh, anyway Ray, you were saying.......
hey no problem, because I'll give a little insight on this review,
I don't make any sense really and I just confuse the hell out of
everyone, just you watch and see.... Anyway, Riggs, Murtaugh and
Butter do some looking around and shit and just generally cause
chaos and mayhem. Oh, yeah Butter is banging Murtaughs oldest daughter
and gets her pregnant, and well Riggs knows about it, but he doesn't
tell Murtaugh because, Murtaugh thinks Butter is gay and is always
trying to hit on him which just keeps going on through out the film.
There is also a big ass car chase that tops just about anything
else I've seen before, they go right through a office building,
it ruled. I guess I suck at this review stuff because I'm all over
the damn place on this movie and probably just confused the hell
out of you. If you like the Lethal Weapon movies, watch this one
too, it's the best so far. I saw it in the theater and rented the
hell out of it and have it on video. Just watch it, I went and reviewed
the damn thing for you. Oh when they make 5, I'll go and see that
in the theater so you should too.......Uncle Benny is cool.
Now let me talk about Mel Gibsons newest movie, Payback,
a very dark comedy, and it's a chemistry that really works well
with the music and the way the movie was filmed (it has a bluish-gray
tint to it). In Payback Mel Gibson plays Porter. Porter is a professional
robber who helps a friend pull of a heist for $500,000. Soon after
Porter learns that they only got $130 grand and is then double crossed
by his wife and friend, shot and left to die. Porter, who's thought
to be dead returns 5 months later to reclaim his half of the money
and will go to any extremes to get it. I won't ruin anymore of the
movie but I will tell you that this movie will either deliver what
you want to see or shock the shit out of you. It shocked the shit
out of me. In some parts Porter would shoot people and you think
to your self "I didn't think he was going to do that!" Porter is
merciless and quite funny. If your a fan of Mel Gibson, you know
his facial expressions really make a movie come alive. In Payback
he brings a whole new package of facial expressions that just make
you laugh your ass off. I recommend this movie, it great and quite
a change from most of the action movies out there. It's also better
than those damned "teenplotation" films out there right now. I
must rent this I think.
Well some of you if not all of you have heard about Mystery Science
Theater getting the shaft after season 10. Barely,
but it's not right. I think the power of Koresh might have to step
in here. I'm not going to rewrite everything else you'll
find on the web, so just check out the Chachi links page, I have
the links on there that will give you all the news you need. Just
do what BBI wants, it may be the only way we keep the show. Let's
all hope for the best. if I had the money, I would supply BBI's
budget. that seems like an answer. Are there any really rich MST3k
fans out there that would supply the budget money for the show?
Powell Peralta. They brought skating to what
it is today, that said in a good way. Almost every pro now over
22 rode for them at one time or another. They owned 80% of the skateboard
market in the 80's. They were huge. George Powell started the company
in '78, and Stacy Peralta was one of the pros. Later on he bought
into the company and it became Powell Peralta. Stacy was in charge
of the team and videos. He found all the talent and made the videos
still talked about to this day. He made videos 1-8. He left sometime
around late 1991 I think, and the company went to Powell Corporation.
Most of the original Bones Brigade left and started their own companies.
I miss the Bones Brigade. Only the younger
kids stayed on, and Tony Hawk for a while, he was the last Bones
Brigade member to leave. I recently got to watch Powell video 9,
Celebrity Tropical Fish. It has no tape case, and is very cheaply
made. It was the first one Stacy Peralta didn't do. The skating
itself was OK, but the video sucked. Cheap titles, no credits, and
any skater who rode to music, it was the music taken from there
video parts in Eight, the video before Fish. The editing was sloppy.
I can edit like a mofo. The era of skateboards
was boards where about a little over 9 inches wide, with a directional
shape still, bigger tail, but smaller skinny wheels. Tricks were
still one footed ollies and big spins, with all the new flip tricks
starting in, like double flips. After this, the company just kind
of went to shit for a while, until Vallely came back and started
getting really involved. Back when it was Powell Peralta still,
they had Sean Cliver from Stevens Point drawing graphics. Now Powell
seems to be stuck on gangster frogs and shit. I thought gangterism
in skating was pretty dead now. The dorgazi side of it will
always be there Kevin, there is no escaping the one time gansta
skater friend of yours that had a really big crush on you. There
product quality is still good. Boards and wheels still rule, as
well as Swiss bearings. I'm skating Powell wheels and deck right
now. I still like Powell, but I miss the old days with Peralta.
I try to collect anything that says Powell Peralta on it. Last year
I found this rad jacket at Goodwill for $5. It has the huge skull
and wings on it. It's to small to wear, but it rules. I still
have the quartermaster and the "ban this" video... you want them
bad don't you Kevy, I can taste your hunger for them, well to bad,
they're mine!!!, you shouldn't have slept on them. Umm,
Ray , you got that Powell sticker in the mail for free, you didn't
buy it. I know the lady you talked to felt sorry for you, thats
why. Oh, I guess I forgot about that, but I still don't think
it happened that way. Other highlights include
these huge old ass Powell Peralta stickers I got from Flying Fish.
Other highlights? you make it sound like a movie or a video game.
The old top graphics from the mid 80's, the
dragon with the banner underneath it. But, I read good news recently.
rumor has it that Stacy Peralta wants to do another skate film.
I don't know if it'll be for just one company or what, but I know
it'll rule. I miss the broken TVs of yesteryear. I like lettuce.
Your also on crack. You just don't
understand me.
I had a memory the other day Ray, and I'd
like to tell it. Satan's Corner days. Oh boy, Mr. McGrath
eat your heart out. Remember the Japanese
exchange girl Miyuki Uda and when her parents came to class to talk
to us? Yeah... the chain smoker, the good girl turn bad.
They gave us all a Japanese coin, and you
gave them an American dime? Yeah I remember that, it was
the least I could do, Japanese people rule. Then
they passed out those rice ball cake things to everyone?
Yeah that sea weed flavored shit. blah. We
didn't like them. Didn't you like throw yours across the room or
something? Come on now Kevy, I would never do a thing like
that, I was the good guy in that class. Don't
lie Ray, you threw shit more than any of us. Only at certain
people, who deserved it. I should have thrown more stuff at you,
all you did was pick on me because of my snowboard. Besides I kicked
all your asses on that book report, I was the only one who got an
A, remember 297 out of 300 points. Yeah, after
you didn't even do it the first time you had the class, flunky.
Good things come to those who wait. But, I
remember Jake Timmerman gobbled his shit up though. Well
Jake would pretty much eat anything we offered him, so......
I have a lunch tray from Taco Bell... remember the one we took from
Taco Johns in Wausua? Ghetto Johns.
I remember you were throwing stuff out the window of my car and
I started to bitch at you, and then you said "The earth is on the
fast track to hell, I'm just helping it along" that was funny. Do
you still live by that rule? Sometimes, but
only with perishable goods. But seeing as I'm Koresh, I can switch
it around and start yelling at someone else for littering as well.
I remember the KFC lunch tray I borrowed and you and Wop smashed
the hell out of it. Why did we let Wop skate with us? It
was fun to give him shit about snakeboarding. All he ever
did was start shit with people and throw stuff at them and then
they would call the cops. When the cops would show up and asked
who did it, Wop would look at me like I did it. What a bastard!
Like that time when he Kept picking on Todd McCarty and then said
he pointed a gun at him, what a line of shit. Then
Dhein got in trouble for it too. How about when we were at
Shammy skating and he kept throwing ash trays at that car full of
girls and they called the cops on us. Well he looked at me. I should
have beat him in front of the cop with my board. I don't know where
the hell this just all came from. We were
gonna get those girls for sexual harassment if they didn't drop
there charges. All that happened was we got kicked out for good,
that's all. Maybe not in your position, but it was funny when the
cop asked who did it and Wopp looked at you. But then he admitted
it right away. You always find my misfortunes funny. hmmm.
I like Prodigy.
Jedi Knight..... I think everyone hates us in the Zone.
They are either stupid and can't read, so they break your rules
and then you boot them, or they are just plain stupid and don't
know how to play the game so they accuse us of cheating. Like that
Shadow guy, I kicked the shit out of him, he never killed me once.
I would just run circles around and shoot his stupid ass. What fun
it is. I told my friends Jay and Pueschner
about the booting thing, and they laughed their asses off all day.
Right now I'm trying to beat my record of 15 boots in one night
(or is it one game)? One night. Those
fuckers don't accept and realize the power I hold, and they don't
abide by my rules, I fucking enforce the law, while Ray laughs his
ass off. I do kind of feel sorry for the people
when you list it as a Rookie game and then we just slaughter them,
but I don't say anything because you are the master when we play
and you have proved it because you have booted me too, but I warn
you, I am finding ways to keep you from booting me...................
March 8th update. We
are really pushing some buttons in the zone. As you can tell, Kevin
and I have no love for people who are dumb and can't read or they
just can't follow rules. It happens that there is another bunch
of people who have a problem with that also, they call themselves
Sysops (system operators) They rome the zone in search of wrong
doers and enforce the law of the zone so that it can be an enjoyable
experience for all (i.e.. the police). Well Kevy and I have a problem
with that because we don't enjoy our visit when they come around.
They like to tell us what to do and we don't like it, so I'll let
Kevy tell you about our last run in with them since they kind of
took care of me right away and he was there to witness my triumph
and the laughs it brought with it. So Kevy, take it from here. Ray
just wants someone to brag for him, but it was funny. Oh come on,
I would do the same for you. Well, my idea of these sysops is that
they always abuse their authority. They tell people what to say,
and what not to. I call them fascists and ask if they are personal
friends of Bill Gates, in the Microsoft Nazi Zone. Anyway, Ray and
I were playing one Sunday night, March 7th,
and everyone in the regular games were just annoying us, so we were
just sitting in the main chat. Basically all the sysops were on
the zone because they were holding a tournament against the zoners.
So I told Ray we should go to the tournament room and mess with
all of them. So we went in and starting talking a little dumb. Ray
started to flood the system, by typing and entering to many chat
lines. They kicked him out for 5 mins after about two lines of type,
which I think said "Can I flood the chat"? Yeah
I only posted it 3 times, and only two were posted together.
In the meanwhile I was talking dumb about fascist games and such,
and after Ray got back in, he's all "get ready". I'm just sitting
there, and all of a sudden like three lines of chat are filled with
"FUCK FUCK FUCK." I think it was about 15
to 20 "FUCK's" with a "you" at the end. I burst out laughing,
as well as most of the zoners in there. Ray got it up about 5 times
before getting disconnected for a day. Everyone was laughing, saying
"Bye RAY" knowing he would get booted. I then felt the need myself
to swear in the chat room. So I typed a little ditty up that went
like "FUCK FUCK FUCK, Fuck you, you fascist fuck sysops, you can't
tell me what to say, fuck fuck fuck." I got it in about 4 or 5 times,
and then I got disconnected too. One sysop told Ray and I he was
going to put up the first amendment for us, because we were claiming
it was our freedom of speech to swear, and its an everyday thing
for most people. So it was rather funny after all, I guess we'll
see what happens next time we're in the zone. We
are also going to recruit more members for Team Chachi, with our
focus on annoying the sysop's. If you're interested, e-mail us,
or ask us for info in the zone if ya see us.
All I have to say for the outro is, I think Ray is funny in these
LTCs. Thank you. He acts all humble-like,
like he's not some bad ass who swears and is a Dick to dumb people
sometimes. Ray, I can see through your act. Be the bad ass you are
in here, it's our page. That's it for my side of the fence. OK
Ghetto trash, I don't know how you pull all of this shit out of
your ass. Oh, I got accepted to MATC, so next year I'll be
in Milwaukee. Get to start the fun apt. hunting again. Maybe I'll
live next to the next Dahmer, and be the hero by reporting him to
the cops. Yeah more like they will find you
running around naked on the streets with him chasing you or even
worse they'll find you tied up with your pants down in his apartment.
Ray-Kevy |
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