Ayah wonga wonga me Jabba noh botha

Welcome to the June LTC on the new site. It's a very exciting time for us here at Chachi Online, we have the new site with the improved look thanks to Solo and Spart, but most of all, the day we have waited for over 16 years finally happened. The first chapter in the Star Wars saga finally made it to the big screen on May 19th, 1999. Kevy and I are pretty much going to talk about the film this issue. So if you haven't seen the movie yet, get the hell out of here or it will be royally SPOILED for you. And I'll royally slap you in the face.

Ok, I saw Phantom Menace two times on opening night. The first time around was such a shock to me, it was so different, yet it was still Star Wars. I felt very similar also. When I walked out of the theater from the first show and got back in line for the second show, I was thinking to myself "that could have been so much better." The second time it all set in, I just had to open my mind and expand. I was lucky enough to live in a big city and camped for tickets for the midnight showing. I was interviewed by the local paper and radio station for being the 3rd person in line, got free food from people and Dhein even showed up and did the Beastie call in the theater. I hid from the cameras. After the show some of the people I was with kind of ripped it a new asshole. I tadly agreed, but by the afternoon of next day, it just hit me, and I just said out loud, "It's Star Wars, it fucking ruled, fuck those other guys". I love this movie, it is Star Wars. It is Star Wars.

Now we're gonna be pricks and analyze a bit on some things in the movie. Like the Jedi Council. The Jedi Council is one thing I noticed. Is it just me, or is the Jedi Council a bunch of assholes? Pricks if you will. Ok then pricks. Well assholes will do too, I was merely giving the reader more options.......... ...anyway, I mean, shit, they just sit on their asses while Qui-Gon and Obi do all the dirty work for them. Then they just yell at them when they come back. There all, "we don't believe this 'virgince' is a boy, blah blah." Yeah, Ki-Adi-Mundi (the cone head) rolls his eyes as soon as he hears it, he's all like "ohhhh chhrrriissstttt, here we go again." Mace Windu is kind of a cock, Samuel Jackson plays him well. It's like he's bothered Qui-Gon even brought it up, he just has this shitty attitude, he's all " *sigh*, bring him before us then, dumb fuck" Then looks at Yoda like, "fuck this guy, this is a waste of our time." So Anakin takes the test, he does good until Yoda starts to talk in his half ass backwards dialect, "how feel you now?" "spank my ass you will" "like it I will, hmm, hmm, no it's mine," then they get pissed and pry little Anakin's mind, telling him he misses his mother, so naturally when some one tries to read your mind, you say "hey back off mofo" or "what does that have to do with anything" well Yoda isn't having any of that, he expects everyone to know what the hell is going on, so Anakin gets this big speech from Grandmaster Yoda about how all this happy force bull shit works, so I guess he failed. Qui-Gon asks if Anakin is to be trained. Now we see some serious attitude. Mace gets this smug prick look on his face with his laser beam eye balls, like he is ready to pull out his saber and strike Qui-Gon down for asking the question. Then he nonchalantly says, "No, he will not be trained." Mr. Conehead Jedi tries to be all smart too, but fuck him, he deserved the smart remark Anakin gave him. I can't wait to see his ass get run through by Anakin's red saber later on. Yoda is even kind of a prick too, but not as bad as Mace. On the lighter side, my favorite Jedi is Giraffe Jedi, the guy in the background shots with the crazy long neck. His expression looks like he's high on weed the whole time or something, he has this funny smile on his face. Yeah, looks like it's a challenge to even hold his head up, kind of like Pat from MMI. Wonder if they give warnings for coming into work drunk on the Jedi Council? 3 strikes your out type thing? Think he brings in crab meat for lunch too? I suppose the council is so grand, they just eat through the force, nothing physical. Fuckin stupid Jedi's. Mace Windu, the fast food Jedi. "Boy this sure is a tasty beverage... Give me a Royale with cheese mutha fucka!"

One thing I noticed that was particularly funny was the first shot of Qui-Gon and company coming into Mos Espa. If you watch R2-D2 in the background, he runs over this pile of shit. Qui-Gon steps around it, then R2 swerves, and looks like he aims right for it. Lucas must have pissed off Kenny Baker, so he drove R2 right into it or he wanted to do some 4 wheel drivin'... Funny shit. Then after that Jar Jar steps in a different pile. It seems like Lucas puts shit like that in his movies on purpose, just so you see something new every time you watch it. He does have a lot of detail. Hey did Warwick Davis play that mini greedo? I know he was betting during the pod race, but I thought he might have played the mini greedo too. I don't know, possibly, that midget Rodain was really small though.

Other than Jar Jar, the only things I could have done without would be the announcer at the podrace, and the shot of the ET's in the senate. I didn't see them? I always see the big fat blue twi'lek and the gand's (Ree-Yees, the goat looking guys). Yes, ET's were in the senate, waving their long ass arms around after Amidala called for a vote of no confidence. I just don't think they belong in a Star Wars movie I guess. Lucas has to work on interconnecting things in the Star Wars universe before connecting Spielberg's bullshit in with it. How long before we see the Jedi taking on the raptors from Jurassic Park? No shit. May 30th update... I finally saw the ET's after my 6th viewing of the show today, sure enough there they are flopping their arms around in a crazed frenzy. Yeah, fuck Amidala or something. What?... that just made no sense what so ever?... I also noticed some wookies at the senate meeting, as well a swoop biker gang in the background at the opening scene in Mos Espa. I have the Expanded Guide to the Star Wars Universe book, and according to the timeline in there, C3PO was built about 60 years before Anakin was born. That is the only thing that bothers me about this whole subject, Lucas gives the ok for the book publishers to create a time line with his guidance, then he let's them write all the books because he like the time line and says keep it. Now all of a sudden, he breaks it and throws a few things off. I knew he was going to do that once he I saw the ROTJ SE. In the books, he lets the publishers develop Boba Fett into a bounty hunter with morals, he is quiet, mysterious, deadly. Now in ROTJ SE he makes Boba out to be some kind of a mack, hitting on the dancer girls and all. I wish he would have stuck to the time line so that everything would flow together nicely. Also, in the timeline Anakin and Obi only have a 5 year age difference. You would think that in the later Episodes, 3PO would recognize the name Skywalker and say something about his activator being named that as well. His ass must have gotten a memory wipe. But, I realize how Lucas works and I'm sure by the time Episode III comes around it'll all make sense.

I do have some questions unanswered about the movie, but I'm sure I'll have to wait till Episode II to find out. Like, what exactly did Darth Sidious want with Naboo? ??? I mean, he made a deal with The Trade Federation, and they went in to take over the planet for him, but what does he want with it anyway? I think he just wanted to cause some trouble and feel all powerful. No really, he wanted to get a higher tax out of Naboo, after all if you're going to start your own empire, you need to get the money from somewhere... Also I'm trying to figure out if Senator Palpatine is really evil yet. Hell yeah he is! Sometimes he seems nice or whatever, but then sometimes he acts like you can tell he has his own hidden plans as well. Well isn't that how you work? And there has to be 2 Sith's, so does Palpatine become the apprentice, then overtake Sidious, then take Anakin as his sidekick? what? It sucks I have to wait quite a few years to find the answers to these questions. Boy Kevy, you're not the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you? Ok listen up half wit, I thought you would have caught this, but I guess you didn't. Senator Palpatine is Darth Sidious. Did you even catch the line at the end of the movie? "And you young Anakin... we'll be watching your career great interest" that's what Palpatine said to him. Hmm, watch more closely next time. Of course I caught that fucking line, but what does that have to do with anything? Besides, what does Palpatine do, change his clothes anytime he gets a holo-call? He doesn't know when those Power Ranger looking green guys are gonna call him up. It has to do with everything, you heard Yoda damnit, fear is the path to the dark side, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering... Fear leads to power I think. All right, I have some questions if Palpatine=Sidious. One, why does he have the Trade Federation fuck up his own planet? Deception is key. The want for money is another. Is he that evil already that he foresees Amidala calling for the vote of no confidence? maybe... could be deception, huh. And, why would he call himself Emperor Palpatine later on, why not stick to Darth Sidious? Because he can do whatever the hell he wants... I mean look at you, you have very little power, yet you give yourself a new name when ever you want in the zone and pretty much do what you want while you are there. Ray, you can't compare him and me at all, I'm not quite as deceptive yet, but I still have doubts as to whether its the same guy. Yeah, I guess you have a point, you are rather weak compared to him... as well as others... OK, listen to this. Amidala is on Coruscant, and she's chilling in the chambers after the vote of no confidence. This is when the whole Jar Jar conversation takes place, "you'sa people gonna die?" Palpatine comes in all stoked he was nominated, etc. She tells him she's going home. Plapatine knows she's going home then. Yeah, yeah. A little while later, Darth's hologram is talking to the Trade guys on Naboo, and they tell him she's coming home, or they spotted her ship, some shit like that. Darth gets all surprised, and says, "This is an unexpected move for her, I wonder what she plans to accomplish," or something to that effect. Hey part of his plan is deception, and deception means you have to get people to believe one thing when you are trying to accomplish another. So yeah, Palpatine is in disguise, I mean shit, he damn well just can't walk around say "hey there Jedi, I'm a Sith Lord and I'm on the senate so your ass is going down because I'm going to train this boy you don't like and he will bring balance to your Jedi peace lovin' asses" Funny, and good point, but what about this whole thing about being two Siths, no more and no less. Between Maul and Vader that's a pretty big time gap of only one Sith, don't you think? C'mon... were talking about the sith here, the most un ethical bunch of ruthless bastards around, so Palpatine doesn't get another apprentice right away, it's not like the Jedi are gonna come knockin' and say "hey asshole, you need to get an apprentice now or your going to get kicked out of here." No, I don't think so, they aren't going to get off their asses just for that. All right, another good and funny point, but seriously, Lucas is never that intricate with hidden plans and plots for people, he sticks by the Jedi codes he makes. Hidden plots and plans!! what about Vader being Luke's Father? I hear that caused quite a roar in Star Wars land when he did that, he had everyone believing that that Vader really killed Luke's father... Lucas tried to do the same thing here with the Sidious/Palpatine thing, but the only one who fell for it was you... Dumbass, I'm talking the Jedi code, not just the whole general movies. You don't make this great Jedi code for the Jedi to follow, then just not go by it. Then again,he ditched the damn timeline. What... you know how shit works in the real world, it takes time to replace stuff, I don't think they really have a waiting list for people who want be dark Jedi's... Don't you think when all the Jedi are on Naboo at the end and Palpatine is there, they could sense the dark side? I would think they could, so I don't quite buy this yet. Good point, I'd bring something up from the books, but it's apparent that Lucas threw them all out the window, maybe Palpatine is so strong that he can mask it so that they can't sense him? No, I still don't buy it. Everyone, bow to me when we find out Palpatine ISN'T Sidious in the next one. Young naive Kevy, how I pity thee. As I look into you and see your clouded future, one image materializes before me, the day you find out that Sidious and Palpatine are one in the same and have to look me eye to eye and tell me I'm right. Oh what a day to cherish. Whatever, we'll see whose the smart boy, Jedi lover.

OK, I kind of like Jar Jar, he can be funny and would be a great part of the show, but you couldn't understand him, his voice was all screwy. I hope he's not in 2, that's all I have to say. Nah, Lucas plans on throwing in that new alien they created for Pepsi, he should attract more kids... anyway, I understand Jar Jar's voice had a jamaican accent, but what the hell was up with the high pitched Mario bros. voice, it does tend to get annoying to me, but I tolerate it. The only thing I can understand when he talks is "me'sa" "we'sa" "you'sa" the rest is all jibber jabber talk to me, kind of like Greedo. Lucas should have had him do the infamous Chewie grunts and growls. "Me'sa narhhhh uhhhnnnnhhhhhhhhh grunt grunt gerrrrrr oooooowwwwwwhhhhhh." Now Watto on the other hand, that guy kicked ass. He was one of the coolest aliens of all the movies. This guy was pure attitude and he should have been givin' a dirty old tank top to wear, you know, the type fat slobs wear with all the food stains on them, like in the movies. Kevy, do you remember Ken's cards, that guy wore the same shirt for years. The baseball card shop in the Rapids Mall back in the day? Yup, that be the one. Watto could have been a real hard ass, they could have made him a pimp too. I Wonder how much money he would have made off of Anakin and his mom by pimpin' them out? I can just see a Rodain paying Watto to anally bang the shit out of young Anakin. Thats' where all his anger comes from, causing him to turn to the dark side. *lol* yeah... "hey ahhh, outlanderr, how much you give me to see me anally rape this boy? hmmm the boy is good, no question about that...ayeee"

All right, here's some rumors and shit I've heard about the next ones. I heard that Amidala's age was conveniently placed between Anakin and Obi because there's supposed to be some kinda love triangle, like Obi wants the Queen. This I don't buy. Hey, that is a confirmed rumor straight from Lucas Film. And this other rumor I don't buy either. People are saying Anakin's little Asian friend Kipster He was more of an Israeli descent. or whatever is Boba Fett, and that's why Vader and Boba are friendlier in Empire Strikes Back. No actually Boba Fett is the mini greedo. I don't believe this though, as far as I know Boba is about Han's age, not as old as Anakin. They are saying the kids a slave and that's why Boba's ship is called Slave I. Well people also said Han and Lando were going to be in episode 1 too.... In Episode II rumors, I heard they're beginning filming this summer, like next month basically. Hell no, Lucas just started the script, try more like June 2000, that's also confirmed by Lucas Film. I heard 2002 is the year it'll be out. You can bet your ass on that. There's also this interview out there with Lucas, and Lucas claims there was never 9 episodes. He said Jedi was the last one, and he has no idea how the idea of 9 got started. Ray, what do you think about that? I'm convinced Lucas is smoking crack at the Skywalker Ranch and is full of shit... First he says 9, then 6, then 9 again. Now we are back to 6 with a possible 7th one to tie it all up. Well Gary Kurtz, the producer of the original versions of Star Wars: A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back says there were 9 planned, then Lucas changed it, so he left Lucas film because he didn't like the way the film changed. To read the full story on that, go to the media news page, May 27th, the story is entitled: "Original 'SW' 1-9 plot outline". Okay, here's an even more disgusting one. We basically know 2 will be ten years in the future or so, so they will obviously need a new Anakin. I've heard that a certain someone has been spotted quite a few times at the Skywalker Ranch. That certain someone is Leonardo DiCaprio. Although I don't think Lucas would stoop that low as to test his fans, but he also has shown he's a dumbfuck too. Well this is a confirmed no from both Lucas Film and Leo's agents. I for one think if Leo bulked up a bit, he would make a great Anakin Skywalker, I mean the guy is a good actor and that is what this film needs, and if you look at Jake Lloyd, he kind of looks like a young Leo. Another actor that I think would fit the role pretty good would be Matt Damon (Good Will Hunting, The Rainmaker, Rounders). Every film I have seen him in, he has done a great job of acting. I think I would rather see Matt Damon get the role over Leo, but I sure as hell don't want to see that Ryan Phillipe guy get the role. God, Ray don't go there, none of those three should fucking get the role. They better give it to a less noticeable actor, otherwise I'll be pissed. Christ, Lucas will meet his doom at my hands if he pulls shit worse than he did. hmmm.... I would love to see that. I heard a different rumor too, I heard that Anakin was planted, so to say, by Darth Sidious himself. You mean Palpatine, right? yeah, you must, It must have been a mistake. Like he's so evil he can see the council will be dumbfucks and Anakin will destroy them from the inside. It sounds believable. I don't know, I can't read George Lucas's mind... If I could, I would have had all the films done by now. All I know is I can't wait till 3 when I see all these fucking stupid Jedi with their fucked rules eat shit at Darth's blood-red saber. I'll cheer like mad. Only to have his own son come back and kick his sorry ass. The only way his son beat him is by using the dark side, in the actual battle that is. Everyone has a dark side, just look at me...

Well I guess we ripped on this movie long enough. Now before you all send us hate mail, I just want to say this was for fun, we really don't hate the movie or Mr. Lucas for that matter. In fact, I pretty much agree with every thing Lucas does with Star Wars, besides it's his story and he is going to tell it any way he wants. As fucked up as that may be. Aside from what Kevy just said, let that be a message to all the critics and so called fans who were disappointed with the film and wanted done this way or that. So far this movie has made $205 million in 13 days, quite a big number, I challenge anyone to try and beat that. As we finish writing this, I have watched the movie 6 times so far and I rank it number 2 out of the 4, of course Empire has to be first, it has the bad ending. I know you like Bad endings don't you Kevy. Contrary the popular belief, I don't quite think Empire has a bad ending. Evil doesn't actually win, Luke just gets a little fucked up, that's all. My favorite is still Jedi, the un-special edition one. Although I hate it when the Rancor dies, I like to see Luke utilize the dark side on Jabba's barge as well as the final battle between him and daddy Vader. For now, Episode One comes in second for me as well. Whatever, you're getting soft, maybe I should have the Cherneys cut off your hand and carbon freeze some one you love and let you barely escape being held hostage by them, then you would realize it was a bad ending. Til next month, go watch The Phantom Menace as may times as possible let's blow the hell out of Titanic!

Kevin

Ray