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Hey listen up you ass rapin' monkey spankers!
It's April, and that means Easter is here. So all hail to the King.
Bow down and kiss your mighty lord Koresh's feet.
Jenny Durst once did. Oooh,
I bet that would burn Bill's ass if he knew that... anyway, Koresh,
you may bless these people with all your divine glory while I go
shoot that rabbit by the rainbow. May
you all perish in the fires of Hades. I missed
the little prick, he jumps around too much.... Ok, what do we have
for this month, I want to talk about some movie shit like the new
Chow Yun-Fat movie "The Corruptor" and the 2nd Star Wars trailer.
It seems someone is trying to tell me the Beastie Boys aren't all
that, so I'm going to set it straight for him. I also want to talk
about Easter, and why I kind of can't stand it. Get us started with
a good line Kevy. I
hate La Crosse, its perpetually "Night of the Living Rednecks" here.
If you don't know by
now, "The Corruptor" is the
latest U.S. movie for the asian action star Chow Yun Fat. You may
remember him from his US debut movie "The
Replacement Killers". Good action movie for sure. In this movie
Chow Yun Fat plays a cop (Nick Chen, I think, well names aren't
important are they?) on the take, hence the title, the Corruptor.
Chen leads a group of Asian New York police officers who's job is
to keep the streets of China Town safe. After the boring ass, take
forever beginning credits, the movie starts out good for a action
movie, a corner store explodes killing innocent bystanders (not
to say that good, but it's a movie so it's cool I guess)
Ray, let me give you an equation, innocent
deaths = good. This only works for fiction movies of course.
Yes I must agree with that, but get this,
the store clerk survives the explosion and comes stumbling out like
a drunk lush. ( I thought that was funny, I mean come on, no bastard
is that lucky) Like a drunk Irish,
is that what you said? You just love
busting my balls about my Irish/German heritage don't you, you little
British tea drinking whore! So as this guy comes out of the building
all knocked to shit, we are then introduced to the Asian gang that
runs the streets, they call them selves the Fukenese (Foo-ken-nese)
Fucknees? Rich Tessler? ???...
So the Fukenese finish off the guy who just stumbled out of the
fiery building. Poor fuck, but isn't
it ironic Ray, don't you think? I'm laughing and I haven't see it
yet. Yeah we are some sick bastards,
we always laugh at innocent deaths in a movie, but I just find it
so funny, I don't get it. Later on in the movie we are introduced
to Mark Walhberg (yup, Marky Mark) and no he doesn't rap in this
movie. Mark (I forget his characters name, like I said, it doesn't
matter!) plays a cop who is assigned to Nick's group of officers.
Surprisingly enough, Mark can act, I was impressed. Actually,
Marky Mark is a good actor and I enjoy his movies, Boogie Nights
was good. I never saw that John Holmes
wannabe movie. I won't ruin anymore of the movie so I'll go into
some other details about it. This is a dark, yet colorful movie
just like "Replacement Killers" but it has more of a plot. The plot
is good but it tries to build some characters and then stops, leaving
you trying to figure out just what the hell is going on. The example
I use is with Bill. We saw this movie together, he got lost, I tried
to help him out since I felt I knew what was happening, he was still
lost, so he decided to stick to action movies that just have shooting
and killing and big breasted beautiful women in them, which is fine,
I enjoy those movies too... but I'm getting off track here.
I'm lost and I haven't see it yet Ray.
You like breast so you're fine... My point
is, if you go into this movie expecting to see something like Replacement
Killers, DON'T. The Corruptor is more of a drama with more acting
and less action, but when you do see the action, which is like 40%
of the movie, it kicks ass, great shooting, a cool car chase, and
there is this one guy who constantly gets slapped around by everyone,
it's funny. I still recommend this movie, I really liked it.
I also rented "Snake Eyes" about a week or
two ago... or was it three? I saw this
too. This is like the latest Nicholas
Cage movie to hit video. It's more of a thriller/suspense/mystery
movie with a "who done it" theme because it's about an assignation
at a boxing match. It's an above average movie, I liked it, but
the neat thing about it is in the beginning of the movie. Right
away at the start we are introduced to Cages character, (once again,
I forget the names) and well Cage acts his usual cocky/ crazy self,
and I should say he is a cop, he also lives in Las Vegas, where
the movie takes place. Anyway, the beginning shows you Cage, and
then the camera constantly follows him where ever he goes for about
10 minutes straight, no edits what so ever. This whole beginning
sequence falls in to place later, so pay attention and rent the
damn thing. It's OK
Is it just me or is "The
Phantom Menace" going to be the biggest baddest movie of all
time? I recently saw trailer number 2 and I was instantly overcome
with adrenaline. My
cable-less ass hasn't seen the second one yet. Mr.
Lucas must really love us little people. With
all the lies and shit he puts us through, yea right. I'll fucking
slice his ass in half with my lightsaber, just like your TV in that
dream, right Ray? Damn, always slicing n'
dicing and smashing my shit in your dreams. Just one thing, Jabba
looks to be a big fat ass again in this movie. He must have been
on some kind of diet in Star Wars SE. I don't count the SE's,
the extra scenes kind of sucked. You damn
well better, it's the way Lucas wants them to be, besides I like
watching Star Wars better now, it's more enjoyable. Chris over at
Toshi Station brings up some interesting points in his POV
check it out sometime. Click here
to see the Phantom Menace poster.
I'm going to review a skate video.
Ho'shit! Recently
I purchased Zero's Misled Youth and Birdhouse's The End. Misled
Youth is short, because they cut the dumb tech flip shit out of
it and just put in the burly shit. Buy it just for Jamie Thomas's
part. Frontside lip-slide on an 18 stair rail as well as some huge
ass gaps. Backside 180s by the man. Now, getting to the real review.
The End is probably the best video since Search for Animal Chin
I think. First you get a little Rick McCrank section, he 50-50s
a 22-stair handrail. Willy Santos is tech, clean and good. Now,
Andrew Reynolds is badass. Only 20, and he got skater of the year
from Thrasher. Fakie-360 over a handrail and down a 15 foot drop.
Kickflips over huge ass steps, probably like 25. He then frontside
180 flips this triple set, which is about a 20 foot distance. Last
shot, he frontside flips over a handrail down about 15-20 stairs.
He landed it second try, and won $50. That's
not a whole lot in today's society... it's chump change.
Wait, it was $100, and Ray, to a broke ass college kid who can barely
make rent, that's a lot of money, so fuck off. I
still love you Kevy, ya stupid chebrony. Another good section
is Jeremy Klein's and Heath Kirchart's. First they do misc. big
shit, and run tons of shit over with the Hook-Ups van. Then after
getting tended to by these porn star chic's, they go street skating
with this huge green launch ramp. "tended"
huh, well that's one way of putting it, you do have a way with words
that leaves a lot to be imagined. None gets it on, if that's
what you mean. Come on, it's Tony Hawk's company, he's the sport's
"goodwill ambassador" as the dumb X-games bitch puts it. The
X-games are dumb aren't they, but they are still popular, I don't
get it, then again you could get all hip hoped out at the sports
and music festival with Mase's dumb ass. I don't really know which
is better. Well, these guys grind Blockbuster signs, bus
stop roofs, and jump over Texaco gas pump stations. They then skate
down the street on fire and launch off a 30 foot high pier into
the ocean, all to the song Under Pressure, the one Vanilla Ice sampled
in Ice Ice Baby. That
would be a cool way for Wop to go out. Start himself on fire while
lighting his joint and trying to snakeboard at the same time, we
could just give him a kick and watch him go down the hill towards
a watery grave. While that is going on, we could sing the new lyrics
for Ice Ice Baby, which go like this: wop wop baby, Vannetta wop
wop baby, to high, to high, wop wop baby to high. I need some help,
maybe my sister could help me when she becomes a guidance counselor.
What's with this pent up rage against Wopp
all of a sudden? c'mon it's fun to
pick on pot heads, and don't tell me you wouldn't have fun with
the described image above. Anyway,
Tony Hawk does some crazy shit, and Bucky Lasek blows him up. Oh
yea, there is also this Evil Dead rip off, with the camera chasing
Steve Berra around, screaming. It chases him through his house too.
Whatever it is, at the end of his section it cuts his head off and
these men in black take his head away. Another
Evil Dead rip off again, gee we might as well do it again.
Most of the music is instrumental weird stuff, similar to shit you'd
find on old Powell Peralta videos. Cool.
Oh yes, this video is one to buy for sure. It fucking rules ass.
Whew, I'm tired. Next subject.
All right, all right, now let me tell you
a story. The other day my friend Bill (Kevy's friend too) and
I were driving around in my Honda and I was playing the Beastie
Boys because they kick ass. I know Bill isn't the biggest fan
of the Beasties, but it's my car, and that means my rules. Like
I said he's not the biggest fan, but I didn't think he was ignorant
too. As we are driving, he says to me "how
can you listen to this shit?" I hate it when people
ask me why I listen to what I do. No disrespect to Bill but he
is in some big 80's rock phase: Slaughter, Motley Crue, ect. ect.
What gets me is I don't ask him why he is into all that shit, granted
I can't stand it. Bill's
into what? What happened to Nine Inch Nails? That kid is worse
than me switching shit. Bill, in
his own words is into stuff that will make him rip peoples heads
off. So, I answered Bill's question with "because I like it" or
something to that effect. He then proceeded to tell me all the
Beasties did was sample shit and put it together... well let's
back the fuck up here Billy. I didn't think of it at the time,
but when he said all this shit, he was complaining about the song
that was playing at the time, "Drunken Praying Mantis Style". DPMS
is a jazzy track, with some record scratching and DJ Hurricane
doing some crazy talking, sounds like he had to much to drink.
Bottom line, it was done with instruments not samples. Anyone who
has listened to a Beastie Boy CD knows they play instruments as
well as sample shit too... Tell
Bill most of the new album is instruments and no samples, cause
I saw them play most of it live. He's just jealous cause he wasn't
as good at scratching as they are. He
won't listen to the new one, it's not his style. Well I've lost
my track of mind here, but just remember this, the Beasties are
the most diverse band in the world, no one can compare to them.
When they release their next album, which they will, you can
bet I'll be there to buy it on the first day, just like all the
others since "Check Your Head".
I bought the "Matrix" soundtrack, it's decent
I guess. Includes Prodigy, Deftones, Propellerheads, Ministry, Rob
Zombie and a few more, basically a techno/metal CD. Propellorheads
are on the Birdhouse video. Try it
out if you like that stuff. It's better than the no limits rap infested
"The Corruptor" sound track...
Easter, Easter, Easter. It's a religious holiday,
the rebirth of Christ which is a grand celebration for some. It
should have stopped there. I have only been around for the last
22 and half years but it seems to me Easter lost it's true meaning
some where along the line. If you ask a kid today what Easter means
to them, they will most likely say "candy". If
you think about it, all religious holidays have been commercialized.
I hate pagans. So true... I think we
sold Easter out to the fat cat money grubbin' whores, like that
guy over at ESPN, the one who sold out the so called extreme sports
to make the X-games so he could become even richer, but I digress.
Now Easter is just one big candy basket findin' Easter egg hunting,
rot your teeth till they fall out extravaganza, which revolves around
a big ass 5 ft. rabbit, now c'mon who ever the hell came up with
this must have been hitting the bottle hard. So
it's an Irish holiday huh? You bastard!
you just can't stop fuckin' with me can you... This rabbits and
candy stuff is all fine with me, the problem I have is the colors
that were picked for this holiday. The pastel
color pallet, or gay ass colors as like to
call them, bother the shit out of me. I can't stand seeing all of
these colors combined for more than a day. I don't know what it
is about these colors that bother me so much, they just do. I know
it started back when I was younger and I thought to myself "why
are Easter eggs always light colors?" I remember in grade school
we colored Easter eggs one day and I pissed my teacher off because
I kept soaking the hell out of the Easter eggs so they would be
darker. That's even worse when a religious
school partakes in pagan shit as well. How was the asbestos Ray?
It took 10 years off my life, damn you Immanuel
Lutheran School... I also did the darker, brighter egg thing at
home too, but my mom didn't care what I did, just as long as I didn't
make a mess. That Easter, my parents pissed me off by giving me
a light pink Easter basket, I was 9 at the time and it really made
me mad. So I never looked for my Easter basket again after that
incident, it didn't make my parents happy, but hey they fight on
the holidays anyway, so it was just a little more fuel for the fire.
On a good note, I remember getting a stuffed ewok for Easter one
year, you know one of those big ones, they were like 18 inches tall,
I still have it. I got a Rancor for
Easter once, and my brother and I fed it a worm. I
wish I had a brother, instead I have an abusive sister who liked
to stab and hit me with stuff when we were kids... Today I walk
into a department store or a super market at this time of the year
and all I see is pastel colors and it just makes me sick, well maybe
that's not the word, how about it annoys me. I think we should ditch
the pastel colors like we did Dorgazi and use bright or darker versions
of the pastels. What do you think? I
think the colors are whack but at least they're happy and not depressing,
plus I like the deals on the candy too... The
colors suck!, end of story... and Mr. Easter Bunny, if you do exist,
you better hope I never find you, because my cats would love to
help me torture you! When you meet Chewie, you'll know why he causes
my parents doberman to pee out of fear. That's
what being around Steve Nieman most of your childhood will do to
a cat huh? And the rest of the animal
abusing fucks at that house.
Man this Lunchtray sucks ass, what the hell
happened? What happened is all we do
is movie reviews on, that's what happened. We don't talk abut our
feelings or lives anymore.... hmmm, time to
leave. Since I'm feeling kind of dumb lately, I'm going to leave
you with a quote. This comes from the alien they call Greedo: "Echoota".
I don't know what it means, but it sure as hell confuses people
when you answer their questions with it. Wasn't it the 3PO
unit on Cloud City that C-3po runs into that says that? C-3PO says
"How rude!",then he goes in that room and gets blasted the fuck
up. I'm leaving now, so walk away....
Ray-Kevy |
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