My Oh My Oh George

Welcome back to another issue of the LunchTray Conspiracy. In our last issue we discussed how Star Wars went from a pop culture icon to a soulless, whored out, cross-licensed franchise that jumped in bed with Disney. I wanted to believe that Lucas only did it for the children, but then I saw the Adidas Cantina TV commercial. I think that came before the Disney thing, didn’t it? Well, it turns out that the Star Wars Weekends have been around since 2007. See what happens when we go on hiatus. That was your fault. In this issue we continue our discussion on Star Wars cross-licensing, plus we talk about the Iron Grip of Lucas, Kanye West’s delusions of grandeur and give you a update on the eagerly anticipated Star Wars TV show. Kevin, say something witty. Boy, I think I’m spent. Twelve years of this site have depleted my witticism backlog. How about I rehash an old one? Sure. Drop your socks and grab your cocks. These days, since I’m so battered by the world I usually just say "C’est la vie."

Star Wars is huge. It is far more popular than I ever thought it would or could be. It’s kind of like skateboarding. I think the popularity of both rose in parallel. Now they are both normal parts of modern pop culture. Even just a decade ago, that wasn’t the case. Ehh, end bitter old man rant here. Unfortunately, this popularity has taken away from the magic of Star Wars. Take for instance, the Star Wars weekends at Disneyland. They are a dark and ugly stain on the Star Wars universe. That’s putting it mildly. To us longtime fans, dressing up Disney characters like Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker is blasphemy. Emperor Lucas used to feel the same way, but his judgement has become clouded by the dark side. If he wishes to turn these dressed up Disney icons into Star Wars action figures, then so it shall be done. As you can see from the pic, it was done. Click it if you dare! What the fuck are the chipmunks? Oh, I think you know. Are they supposed to be Ewoks? Yup. Man, they went from being gay, as in gay=dumb, to literally being homosexual gay via those little bandannas they’re wearing around their necks. I don’t even want to comment on the Goofy/Chewbacca travesty I’m seeing here. I guess I can always take solace that Yarael Poof will never be bent over for Lucasfilm’s further financial gain. What an eyeball raping. Yes, I cringe when I look at this picture and I can’t help but wonder if there will ever be a Obi-Wan Kenobi figure dressed in mickey wizard robes? Maybe Han Solo in donald duck’s sailor outfit? Scary thoughts. I hate to say it, but these action figures are another victory for the Star Trek fans.

Question: Where do you go after you have crossed over into the realm of Disney? The answer is: Anywhere you want. That is exactly what ol’ George did. Late last year, Star Wars crossed over into the realm of Adidas. The Rebels and Imperials didn’t wear track suits and sneakers in the movies, but Lucas can always wave his digital wand and add them in the next special edition DVD release. He could put Jabba in a track suit with gold chains when he is talking to Han out side of the Falcon in the Episode 4 special edition. Maybe he’ll put an Adidas bumper sticker on the Millennium Falcon, too. Hah. The Cantina TV ad is where this cross-licensing venture crosses the.. ah, line. The ad features a smorgasbord of so-so celebrities all seamlessly inserted into the Mos Eisley Cantina scene from A New Hope. The editing and digital effects in this ad are impressive. Most Impressive. The celebrities featured in this are as follows: Daft Punk, Noel Gallagher, Snoop Dogg, Jay Baruchel, David Beckham, some no name DJ and a few others I don’t care to know about. I like me some Snoop Dogg, but I don’t want to see him swingin’ a lightsaber and cutting off Ponda Baba’s arm. I’m kind of torn on this commercial. On one hand, I thought it was done fairly well. On the other hand, I’m not sure why they chose the cantina scene, or Star Wars in general, for cross marketing for the World Cup. On the third hand I don’t understand why they chose these specific celebrities apart from Beckham. I mean, what does Snoop or that annoying kid from all those teen comedies have to do with Adidas, or the World Cup? I would have rather seen Wilford Brimley in there as some old shriveled up nut sack Jedi tag team with Kenobi, and have him cut off Ponda’s arm. Yes! When I watch this commercial, I feel a lot of emotions. I feel a little angry. I feel embarrassed. I feel betrayed. Most of all, I feel like I was whored out. Star Wars fans, like Rambo, are expendable it seems. I know that means I'm "too close" to Star Wars, which would qualify me as a low level fanboy. Gasp. However, there is a point when marketing and corporate deals go too far. When you can no longer see a connection between the product and the brand, you have to ask why? Do people really think of sporty clothing when they watch Star Wars? I highly doubt it, but that won’t stop them from putting Sporty Spice in a Slave Leia swim suit and pasting her picture on billboards around the world. Sometimes I’m nostalgic for the 90s, but I’m not THAT nostalgic. You could always watch I Love the 90’s.

If Adidas gear isn't enough for you, how about a R2D2 phone?

. Nah, George is scarier.

When Emperor Lucas isn't busy destroying his own franchise, he uses the dark side to find unsavory individuals who would try to use Star Wars to make a profit. When he finds these desecrater’s of the force, he slaps them with a big lawsuit. This is what we like to call the Iron Grip of Lucas. Over the years, Lucas has sued many people, organizations, corporations and even indirectly went after the US military.

"all characteristics associated with the Jedi knights not memorialized in a registered trademark ... (including) Jedi robes, the lightsaber weapon, the power to levitate objects, a telepathic oneness with other Jedi and the universe, and the ability to shoot energy beams called 'Force Lightning' from the fingertips."

"The live action TV show is kind of on hold because we have scripts, but we don't know how to do 'em. Because, they literally are Star Wars, only we're going to have to try to do them ... at a tenth of the cost. And, it's a huge challenge ... lot bigger than what we thought it was gonna be."

Does anyone really believe Lucas can’t find a way to do this TV series? Did he take all of the money he made from shitty cross-licensing deals and spend it on legal battles? I know I’m breaking a Lucas rule here, but he should just take a look at the Battlestar Galactica remake. That was an amazing series and they usually only spent about a million an episode. I think the main thing is this; Lucas is turning into a Depression Baby. Depression Babies are people that grew up during the Great Depression, and always horde their money and are frugal as hell. Take most Gen X’ers grandparents. They were Depression Babies. My grandparents are/were like this. That doesn’t mean they didn’t spoil their grand kids, but they were cheap as hell otherwise. When my grandfather died, my grandmother found cash hidden all over the house, and bank accounts she never even knew about. They were paranoid about the bottom falling out again. Lucas is like this. In order to make the TV series, Lucas has to spend money. He doesn’t like spending money, he likes collecting money (which is obvious, because this whole issue of the LTC is based on this subject). Needless to say, I think we can expect very little in terms of new projects from him, apart from a few video games. But, we can expect shit tons of new cross-licensing and whoring out of our beloved Star Wars characters. Yeah, let’s all get our hopes up for a line of Star Wars endorsed tools from Snap-on.

So how could a Star Wars TV show get put on hold? Well, Lucas chose to fund his own show so he could have complete control of his franchise. He wants the freedom to do and show what he wants without someone stepping in and mandating that he tone it down or change the story. As if anyone would. I would think any network person on any level would realize the Star Wars franchise is a fucking cash cow that is going to make you some bank, even with Lucas’ shitty dialogue. Pretty sure they’d all be happy to leave him alone to run things. Well, he thought different and chose to pass on regular network TV and go with a subscription based network like Showtime or Starz because it granted him the freedom he was seeking. Now he can’t "afford" to do the show, because he has strayed from his original view of a more "talky" series. I think he should look into splitting the cost with a network. I’m sure some network out there would be willing to give him complete control and still cover half of the cost of making this show a reality. I’m sure HBO would jizz all over themselves for an opportunity like this. NBC might even be game. I hope Lucas uses some of his creativity to figure out the financial road block that faces this series. If not, I can live with out a TV show as long as I have some novels and good games. The Force Unleashed II anybody? Maybe The Old Republic?

Now, let’s do a little recap. George loves cross-licensing and it looks like there is no end in sight. The Iron Grip of Lucas knows no bounds. He owns everything, so it was wise of us to pick a non-Star Wars related name for our site. Kanye West is still a dumb ass, delusional or not. The Star Wars TV show is definitely on hold, because Lucas would rather talk about producing a TV show and not spend the money. That means all the Boba Fett fans will have to be put on suicide watch and that about sums it up for this issue. Now I want to leave you with a picture I found on the glorious internet. It’s obvious that these guys are at a costume party. Look at the guy dressed up as Luke. I like the expression on his face, like he’s going to score after the party. "Ah yeah, I’m gonna get me some Artoo tonight!"  Click the pic and Enjoy. You can’t make it one issue without an R2 sex bot reference, can you? Hey, I’ve got standards to uphold. Til then, See you next issue.

Kevin

Ray