Star Wars Flashbacks

Hello fans of the LunchTray Conspiracy. I am the one they call Destructo!, Ray Destructo! I will attain stateship in 2010 and have decided that my state flower shall be the Sundew. Over to my left, right, lef - quit moving damnit! Running around in circles is Kevin something something. Koresh, Ray, Kevin Koresh. And pardon me for exercising. So, running low on subjects as we always do here at the LunchTray, we decided to go back and revisit some of our past conversational pieces about Star Wars. We have quite a bit of this stuff and it makes for a good first issue of 2006. Let us regale you with our tales of yore, filled with wonder, chaos, and excitement.

This first topic of discussion comes from our November 2000 issue and revolves around Captain Panaka. Panaka appeared in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. I like this piece because of the Denzel Washington comparison. I've always had a problem with Denzel, he plays the same part over and over again and always acts like he knows better than everybody else. I like this piece because it's a reminder that I held a lengthy conversation with a great musical genious.

So, back in July (2000) when I saw Thingy play in Chicago and met my musical hero Rob Crow, him and I had a conversation about Star Wars and he opened my eyes to a very blatant point; Captain Panaka from Episode I is the most useless character in the Star Wars universe. Well that was a mouthful.. Oh, Ray, you're here? I thought you were still sprawled out from pure exhaustion after your escapade from watching the latest Stephen Dorff movie you rented. Hmm.. Right well, back to the topic. I forgot exactly what was said, but it was a very convincing conversation, and we here at Chachi HQ feel strongly with Rob on this point. Yeah, old Rob-o has a very good point, Panaka is a bitch. In case you don't know who Captain Panaka is, he was like the Princess Amidala's right hand, head security guy or something. He is the most negative thinking bastard in the whole series thus far. Yeah, he was always like, "Oh no Queen, we don't have an Army" or "I don't trust these Jedi... because I know more than they do.. and I'm smarter anyway." Lucas should have had Denzel Washington play the role. I mean what a fucking pussy this guy is. Never wants to fight, never wants to go outside of his little closet he tries to live in, for fear of a blade of grass striking his boot and injuring him or something. Yeah, might have to shine them boots or something "No Queen, I don't know what you hope to achieve with this nonsense of saving innocent lives, I must clean my boots now." Heh, yea, the Denzel Washington of Star Wars . He never really did anything though. He just always kind of stood there. He didn't fly the ship, he didn't offer any advice during the planet's meetings. Well he did keep saying that a victory was impossible. Negative comments aside I meant. But, if he died, who would notice? No one. Jar Jar would feel bad. He would? Yeah, him and Panaka's little sex bot, they would be lonely... they wouldn't have Panaka to frolic around with in the swamps while enjoying the briska morning breeze. I don't know where you pull this shit out of, but keep digging.

In our September 2000 issue, we explored the subject of suicide. Jedi suicide. Do Jedi commit suicide? How do they do it? What is the best way? How and why did we cover this subject? Read on and find out.

So, whilst sitting around on one of my many free days, I was thinking of something. Jedi's, and suicide. Yes, it was nice quite evening, Josh, Kevy, me and some one who doesn't want her name attached to Star Wars in any way what so ever, for fear that she too might turn into a "geek"... were all just sitting around and relaxing when Kevin said "I wonder how Jedi's commit suicide?" Now, in present times people's weapon of choice against themselves is a good old firearm. Put that fucker up to your sorry noggin, pull the little trigger and meet the Reaper. So, in the Star Wars universe and during the times of the Jedi (I won't specify if it's past, present or future, cause I don't fucking know, all I know is that it's a loong time ago in a galaxy far far away) I'm sure there were some manic depressives or whatever. We could use the example of a Padawan who failed a test, and was kicked out of the order. Yup. Or even some old shriveled up nut sack of a Jedi who one day doesn't know where his life is going or what he's doing. haha, I think I'm wearing off on you. Point is, they want to get themselves perished and be gone with all this pain and suffering. Well, what I was wondering is, how do they go about doing it? ?? My conclusion, and most obvious answer, is their trusty lightsaber. I guess I figure they just put the handle of the saber to their temple, hit the button, and the blade goes through their head. Or I guess they could go under the jaw and out through the top. What do you guys think, do you think that'd be how they do it? You do a lot of guessing, but yeah that would be the easiest way. What do you think Biker? This is what Biker told me, and I'll quote him. "I think they take the saber, stick it up their ass, turn it on, and then it goes through their whole body and out their head." Weird ass. Must still be drunk. Now if you just can't do it yourself, you could always do what Greedo did. Oh, you could? Yup, just walk into some local cantina and talk shit to someone till they burn your head off with a blaster, much like Han Solo did to Greedo.. In this case you would go out with some style and people would remember your death for months to come. It would be like "so... whatever happen to old shriveled up nut sack?" "Oh he got his ass blasted by some guy in a cantina" Well, I don't know, I mean people remember suicides, just ask anyone our age about Kurt Cobain or something, you know. No, no, no. Cobain was famous, a pop icon. That is why people remember him. If some Han Solo type blew your old shriveled up nut sack of an ass away, people would remember that. I see your point. Personally, if you don't have the balls to do it yourself, don't do it. Then again, if you do do it at all, you don't have any balls whatsoever, because you can't handle life's little problems. Well, you don't have any balls, just an old shriveled up nut sack. Who, me? yeah. Or the example we used? No, you dumbass. I have balls motherfucker! Riiiggghhhtt.

After Episode I came out in May of 1999, we kind of went crazy on the rumors and speculation for Episode II which was a good three years away and counting. In February 2000 we talked about known Hollywood actors who wanted to be in the movie. Fans were also trying to figure out what side Mace Windu was on, good or bad? I tried to clear up that argument while Kevin seemed like he was just confusing himself talking about Gillian Anderson.

Okay, now I've been hearing some EPII rumors, some of which, I may not like. First of all, all of the supposed "sources" I see stuff from, keep claiming its a one horse race for Anakin, and that horse is Leo. Whatever, I know he looks the part, but come on, keep some o.g. credibility Lucas and get a lesser known actor. Keep the fans happy, don't test us. I still think he would do a good job... I've read Lucas claims he's gonna get a lesser known actor, but, well, we'll see I guess. I bet it's going to be Ray Liota. He's about the only guy who will be able to pull off the "turning to the dark side" thing off. I mean the guy can just go psycho like it's no ones business... that didn't really make any sense did it? Umm, kinda Ray. But you tried, right? Yeah, I've to get back in my groove here... I've also read about Gillian Anderson possibly getting a role. First I heard she was gonna be a Jedi, trained by Qui-Gon. Then I heard she wasn't gonna be a Jedi, just a past friend of Qui-Gon, or a past "more than just a friend" of Qui-Gon. I don't know about this, but it could possibly have something to do with the explanation of why Qui didn't disappear when run through by Mauly. Like what, no sex until marriage? Who knows? We all know Jedi's don't get any play. Actually, she is rumored to be a young Mon Mothma, which she'd fit perfectly now that I think about it. Yoda rumors go that he's not going to use a lightsaber, but will be in a fight, and will show us why he doesn't need to use a saber. Apparently, we're gonna see shit with the force we would have never imagined. I've heard rumors about a scene where Yoda has to break in Anakin, what's your opinion on that? My opinion Ray, is when it comes to Yoda, you're a sick bastard. I resent that Kevy! I happen to like horny little green aliens. There is also plenty of talk about everyone's favorite swearing Jedi, Mace Windu. That's right Mutha Fucka! I've heard shit from he's gonna have rad action scenes, to he's a dark jedi, to he's not a dark jedi, but in good with Palpatine. I read he's apparently in good with him and the dark jedi, because he thinks them being around will keep balance in the force or something to that effect. Ray, comments? Well you see it's like this, Mace is a brotha. The Shaft of the Jedi if you will. Tha only otha brotha in tha film is Capin' Panaka. Ok. Now my man Mace can see that this Capin' Panaka is below him and not really the type of brotha you want watchin' ya back in these troubled times, ya dig? Yea, that guy was a complete shlubb, he didn't know shit. Yeah, so sweet brotha Mace does what every good brotha should do, get deceptive on that ass. I mean make like you in good with tha enemy and play both sides, be tha middle man or brotha so to say. Be the dark brotha Jedi and also be the light brotha Jedi. This gives Mace tha 411 that he needs to stay alive in tha mean streets of Courscant and keep his ass alive. It's all about stayin' alive in tha Jedi game, not balancin' out tha force. This is one game Mace knows how play and play it well. "Mean" streets of Coruscant? Yeah, you ever play The Phantom Menace game? bunch of mean bastards! OK I think being a jedi master is enough to keep Mace alive in the mean streets of Coruscant. But, everyone has their opinions. I'll give you my opinion.

We both feel that Lucas threw some things out the door, one of them being the magical Jedi ghost body. Which happened to be what I was interested in the most. How do you get one? We wanted an answer to that question and had to wait until we could see a deleted scene on the EPIII dvd, which still didn't explain shit. I still haven't seen it, but read everything about it. So, back in May 2000 we trashed some other guys idea and then wandered off subject.

Okay, other SW movie news. Have any of you been to Aldera.net? Well, these guys have a bunch of prequel theories on there, and one is about the disappearing act thing when Jedi die. Most of it I agree with, except what they thought what happened with Vader. They say Jedi get ghost bodies when they accept that they are going to die, and do it willingly. They say that Vader didn't disappear when he died, like Qui-Gon, because their deaths came unexpected and they couldn't accept it. Ah, he sounded like he was accepting it to me, I mean he was all "go now my son, leave me" and "tell your sister that I lover her" that sounds like he was ready to me. Exactly my point, then this guy says that the only reason we see magical Ani at the end of ROTJ is because Luke burned his body. Bullshit, Vader was ready to accept it when he grabbed the Emperor and threw his wrinkly ass in to the exhaust port on the Death Star, he died to save Luke. That's what I say too, but they say they do that because they know they will need them in the afterlife, so we'll see Qui-Gon in EPII. Now, I know I've read a lot of shit that says Luke only burned Vader's armor, I know it. So I don't believe it. I think there is some other reason which we'll find out. Yeah more like he put money in the church tray before died, if you don't pay, you don't go to Jedi heaven... I tell ya, the Jedi council is a based on the catholic religion... they probably rape the young padawans too, which is why Anakin turns to the dark side. Yea, after Watto rented him out, Anakin thought it was over, but was he ever in for a treat in the middle of the council circle. Yup... he learned just how strong the force was in him. Anyway, over at the official site, there are clips from an interview about Boba Fett. They are talking about designing his ship and his apartment and this and that. It just kind of bothers me, Lucas tossing the timelines out the windows and all that. You got that right crow toe! Forget Boba being mysterious, let's just bring him back to make hard core fans happy and make up for the whole Jar-Jar thing I guess. I'll be disappointed if Boba Fett is a clone... wonder if I can get some cloning cylinders? because you know GL's clone is going to make the super special millenium falcon edition movies for the year 3000 and I would like to see them. Ha, yea.

Before Episode II, Star Wars fans had always wondered about the Clone Wars and the Mandolorian Warriors. I guess we still wonder about the Mandolorian Warriors, they never showed up to the Clone Wars. Shit, that's right, I fucking forgot all about that. As did I. In our September 1999 issue, Kevin had questions and I once again provided an answer that only I could come up with. I'm like some kind of story generating computer. Except your level is set to "pervert," and sometimes jumps up to "sick fuck." Haha.

Ok, what's up with the Clone Wars and the Mandolorian Warriors? That's what I'd like to know as well. Again, from rumors it sounds as though the Clone War battle may not be the climax for EPII. I still don't understand any of the cloning shit. Cloned what? Are a bunch of clone people made and sent to fight, and fight who? Are Jedi cloned? Are Mandalores cloned? Help us out here George you fat fuck! Come now Kevy, settle down. I'll help you out with all of this cloning stuff you have so many questions about. First off, George is not a fat fuck, he is just set in his way of secrecy. Ok, the cloning started small. My blood line descendant R2D2 (my real name is actually Ray2D2), comes up with the idea of cloning because he is tied down to Anakin, Ani just can't get enough of the robot sex. R2 in a desperate attempt to free himself up for other things in life, clones himself and goes off on a vacation while his clone tends to Anakin's needs. While on his vacation Sidious/Palpatine learns of this technology and uses it for his evil little scheme. This is where the Mandolorian warriors come in. Good old Palpy clones a bunch of hard asses to take on the Jedi... are you with me so far? Ok now the Jedi find themselves out numbered so they clone a bunch of Jedi, mainly Ki-Adi-Mundi, the cone head Jedi. Ki-Adi-Mundi then takes the cone clones to the planet Duros to fight the Mandolorian warriors. The battle on Duros is a carefully laid plan to distract the Jedi council and leave the temple open for attack. Palpy sends his head apprentice, Darth Vibrator, to lead his army of dark Jedi and storm the temple. The council is caught with their robes down and ramming their saber handles up each others asses when the dark Jedi attack. In a panicked attempt to defend the temple, some Jedi are cleaved in half as sabers are ignited before they are pulled out of each others asses. The Jedi are defeated, only Mace, Yoda and Poof escape the building before it blows up and go off to find Obi and Ani who are in search of the real R2D2. Fade to black, roll credits. Did this help you at all? Jesus Christ your a sick bastard. The only thing I have to say is that it's cool that Poof lives. Goddamn... whatever. What! how come whenever I come up with something like this it's sick, but if you do it or make references to 14 year old girls, it's OK?? I wonder why that is... I think you know why that is, I am Koresh, you are a Branch Kevidian. Oh, yeah.

As you can see, we can contemplate with the best of them when it comes to Star Wars. We ARE the best of them, Ray. Yes, and our secret is our ability to apply Star Wars to any real life situation not covered in the movies... or we're just good at bullshit. So that does it for this flashback issue, it was fun. For the next issue, we have a two part special in the works. We are going to sit down and come up with the ten best and worst characters of the Star Wars universe. Part one will deal with the ten best and part two will deal with the ten worst. See ya then.

Kevin

Ray