The Full Force Five

Welcome to the April 2006 LunchTray Conspiracy. This is a special two-part LTC that will cover the best and worst characters of the Star Wars movies. This issue will deal with the best characters of the movies and the next issue will cover the worst characters. We decided to stick with movies, because most people only know the movies and are not too familiar with the expanded universe, end of story. Besides, Lucas himself pays no mind to the books he gave the okay for anyway. Ok, lets get to it. Number five...

5. Watto
That's right, Watto. Why? Well, the first time I saw Watto, I was in awe. Here was a fully animated character with some serious attitude. Watto kind of looks like a ant eater combined with a fat Italian con man who has a broken tooth and week old stubble. Well put. The bald pawn shop owner in The Crow could pass for a human Watto, or Ken from Ken's Cards if you lived in Wisconsin Rapids in the early 90's. I think Watto is a distant relative of Ken's, all he needs is a stained wife beater shirt. Watto is little and has a pot gut, but he has wings and can resist Jedi mind tricks. Resistance to Jedi mind tricks helped Watto win his first go around with Qui-Gon, but later lost it all because Qui-Gon used the force to cheat with the chance cube in order to free Anakin. Ten years later we see Watto again when Anakin returns to Mos Espa in Episode II . Watto is now sporting a pimp hat, which means he quit the salvage business and entered the seedy world of prostitution. Well, when we first meet him in EPI he was dabbling a bit already, pimping out young Anakin to random people stopping in Mos Espa for a day or two. This is another reason he made the list, Watto adds some much needed dirt to the squeaky clean empire. Not too bad for a little winged ant eater. Lucas should do a reality TV show about Watto and his day to day life. I'd watch that.

4. Palpatine/Sidious
We could talk about how Palpatine is a Sith Lord and manipulated everything around him to start the clone wars so he could get the power he wanted, but we're not. No, the Emperor made this list because he is crazy as fuck. Yup. Before his battle with Mace Windu, Palpatine is rather sane and in control of himself, you would expect nothing less from a man working to hide himself from the Jedi. After, his fight with Mace, he changed physically and mentally. Palpatine is clearly out of his damn mind, he just loves laughing and does so through out his fight with Yoda. Watch him hang from that senate pod and tell me you don't laugh along with him. Palpatine sure is enjoying himself. Oh, I do enjoy along with him. Death, he fears not. Fast forward to Episode VI when he is attempting to bring Luke over to the dark side. Palpatine, trying to keep the laughing under control, is back to his word games and seems to get off at one point when he feels the "hate" growing inside Luke. It would appear he is so strong with the dark side he utilizes others emotions for sexual gain. Good idea. After all, can you imagine anyone wanting to top him off? Scary. He's the o.g. shriveled up nut sack. Once the saber battle is underway, we get to see the mad, cackling Palpatine come back to life. He laughs when when Vader cuts down a walkway and sends Luke sprawling from pure exhaustion. He laughs when Luke gives into to his hate and swings his saber like a baseball bat. He laughs when Vader loses his droid hand and screams like it hurts. He laughs until Vader picks up his old wrinkly ass and throws him over the railing. With the right frame of mind, one could even believe he died laughing. Just one long single cackle. One final laugh so powerful it sends shockwave's through the death star. Humor killed the Sith.

3. Mace Windu
Back in the day, Mace was pretty popular on the LTC. Armed with the "Onyx Face," Mace was a major prick in EPI and we thought that was pretty cool. Well, I thought it was a bit annoying and egotistical. Kinda like me...so yeah I thought he was cool, I guess. In EPII he was a little less of a prick and a little more ass kisser, but he still made quick work of Jango Fett's sorry ass. I certainly did enjoy that little scene. I actually laughed out loud in the theater my first viewing, which upset some others I believe. Fett lovers, eh? Yeah, queers. Mace shows us what it takes to become a legend when he dies in EPIII. Mace is the only one who beats Sidious/Palpatine which is enough to get him in the history books, but his death overshadows his victory. Mace creates a new sport called Extreme Dying and sets the bar high for all who follow in his foot steps. First, Anakin cuts off his forearm. Next, Sidious/Palpatine electrocutes the shit out of him. Finally he flies 50 miles out of a window at the top of the senate building. Mace dies like a real Jedi should, he doesn't die like the rest of the pathetic Jedi Order. Now that I think about it, Mace basically died that way as if he was taking the place of every putz that went down easy in that final battle with Palpy. Roll 4 or 5 Jedi deaths into one and that's what you get. Imagine if Mace was a sith? Powerful indeed. Mace and Vader teamed up together? That could work. Poor Luke would be fucked, to say the least. So would everyone else in the galaxy when those two go on a rampage. The last thing you would see was Mace giving you the "Onyx Face" while Vader force griped you to death. Not a good eternal mental image if you ask me.

2. Han Solo and Chewbacca
Han Solo and Chewie have become my two favorite characters over the years. Han is rude, crude, scruffy looking and quick with the gun. A modern day, retro future man cowboy if you will. Yes, he is also the captain of the Millennium Falcon, the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. Chewie can fix anything and would rather beat you with your own arm and ask questions later, you couldn't ask for a better co-pilot. Han and Chewie are resourceful, skilled and rather lucky, which helps them get out of most tight situations and escape Imperial forces. This may be two characters, but you just shouldn't break up a good team. Let's imagine one of these two paired up with some other characters. Ok, shoot. Chewie and Yoda? Kind of almost happened in EPIII. Despite being a great tag team to take on Master/Blaster from Thunderdome, I can't see it. Heh, good one. Han Solo and Wedge Antilles? Pfft. Naah, Wedge isn't burly enough to help Han out after the mess he makes when he talks shit to anyone and everyone. If anything he'd be a good shield so Han could get his own ass outta dodge. With Chewie, no one thinks twice about fucking with Han in the cantina after he's had a few too many and slung some negative comments around. Only if you want your arms ripped off and shoved up your ass.

1. Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader
I was never much of a Vader fan back in the original trilogy days. To me he was just the bad guy trying to hurt my childhood heroes. That all changed after I watched Episode III, because I realized Vader was human. Us fans have always known Vader was human, but to see how Anakin became Vader was quite interesting. Anakin took complete advantage of both sides of the force, married the hot senator and went on to get a magical ghost body with no formal training in how to do so. Deep down we all want to be like Anakin and Vader. We want to be good people, but we would also like the power to get what we want. How many times have you lost your patience and wanted to force grip someone because they wouldn't give you what you want? Like that bitch behind the counter at the DMV. Anakin/Vader is the basis for this entire 6 part series, to say the least. That alone puts him in the best list. You think a 6 part series based on Jar-Jar would do as well? Hmm.. nah. I mean, fuck, I just can't get over how great this dude is. The after-life Jedi Council probably just decided when he died "Fuck, let's just give him a magical ghost body or else he'll go psycho when he's one with the Force and wipe all our asses off the eternal map." I don't think Mace was looking forward to dying a second time as bad as the first. Haha, funny shit.

Honorable Mention. Yarael Poof
We had a tough time with Yarael. We really like this guy and wanted to put him in the top five, but you barely see him. I'd go so far as to say he's my favorite Jedi even though we don't see him in action. We didn't want to be like the Fett fan's, so Yarael only gets a honorable mention. Yarael here only shows up in a few background shots of Episode I. He seems like a bit of a psych ward patient with his dazed, but happy grin and head swaying around. Yarael doesn't have time for trivial Jedi politics, he'd much rather look out the windows of the council chamber, maybe wave at air speeders as they fly by. He's definitely a passive Jedi. When there's work to be done, he utilizes his mind powers to not be asked to do anything. The one time he slipped up because he was gazing at a happy bird flying past became his untimely end, because his mission was fatal. A sad day. Yes, sad indeed. Can't Jedi just sit there and enjoy life? Isn't the end purpose of getting on the Jedi Council to be able to sit in the most comfy chair and look out the windows at the beautiful cityscape? It is if you ask me or Yarael, both people of simple pleasures. For Mace, it's all about crushing hopes and dreams with the "Onyx face."

Well, there you have it, our top five best Star Wars characters. I'm sure a lot of you will not agree with us and that's cool, send us some hate mail and tell us why we suck. We never said our opinions are the be all end all of the SWU, but this is our site and we'll say what we want. Don't send hate mail to Himee, he may try to be your friend and you don't want that... trust us. If you make some valid points we may discuss them in a future issue. Our next issue will focus on the five worst Star Wars characters. If you read the LTC regularly, you may already know who will make the list. Until then, check out Himee's blog for some ah... amusing rants. Don't tell Himee, but I sent him what appears to be a solid chocolate egg. It's actually from my cat Scout, if you know what I mean. Nice.

Kevin

Ray