Revenge of the Sidious

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith has arrived and I must say it was damn good. Some questions were answered, some were only hinted at, but we finally witnessed Darth Vader betray and murder Anakin Skywalker... from a certain point of view. As the subject says, Kevin and I will be talking about this movie and it's plot points, so if you don't know, you gotta go.

I have watched Revenge of the Sith (RotS) three times so far. Same here. I believe RotS has officially replaced The Empire Strikes Back as my favorite movie of the series. For me this movie has it all, there is action and adventure, love and drama, good vs. evil, a great story and the best CG work of the six films to help bring the universe of Star Wars to life. I'm still saying Return of the Jedi is my favorite. They filmed in the redwoods for that one. I don't know how to explain why it's my fave. But Revenge of the Sith is my number two for sure.

I know a lot of people, including us, were waiting to see the great Jedi purge. To put it mildly. So it comes as no surprise that the Jedi council is in full prick mode for this movie. Old Mace "Onyx Face" Windu just loves talking down to Anakin. Whenever Anakin talks to the council, Mace is the first one to shoot him down and gives him the "Onyx" look whenever he can. When Anakin is appointed to the council, Mace pipes in with "You are part of this council, but you are not granted the rank of Master." Naturally Anakin questions him, which is the wrong thing to do with Mace Windu. Exactly. His lips turn white from the strain of crushing them together and his eyes look like they are going to explode out of their sockets.. the "Onyx" face to the extreme. Finally he says "This council elects its own members, so have a seat, bitch!" Now it goes with out saying that Mace exits this movie in a blaze of glory. Hah. Mace dies like three times in fifteen seconds. First, Anakin cuts off his forearm. Next, Darth Sidious/Emperor Palpatine electrocutes the shit out of him. Finally he flies 50 miles out of a window at the top of the senate building. Talk about a shitty and painful death. I wonder what he was thinking at that point? You know, falling through traffic to his death, after the Force Electricity wears off and he regains some consciousness. "That motherfucking virgince!" He probably ended up a dark jedi before he hit the ground. And maybe, it leaves it open for him to survive, like Boba Fett did in the books. Yeah, he travels to some outer rim planet and uses the force to grow his arm back while contemplating his revenge on Anakin. Then he returns in Episode Seven only to discover that he is already dead. Shit. I like that one. Afterwards he takes our advice in Jedi Suicide and does himself in. Through the temple or the ass? Well, since he isn't getting no magical ghost body and disappearing after death, my guess isn't for the temple and messing up his Onyx face for the funeral pyre. Good choice.

You don't see much of Ki-Adi-Mundi in this movie. When he is on screen, he's deflecting laser bolts at droids or talking about how Obi-Wan is a wise and experienced Jedi. What Ki-Adi is really saying is that he has a big hard on for Obi-Wan, he even rubs his hologram crotch while looking at Obi-Wan sitting in his chair during a council meeting. Just as you stated that, it dawned on me. I guess gay Jedi aren't out of the question, huh? Why not, you don't see too many female Jedi in the council and the academy or the whole Star Wars series for that matter, it's a big sausage party and Ki-Adi's mouth is watering. Plo Koon, old tumor head, puts up a lame ass struggle and gets all blown to shit in his star fighter. I didn't see Yarael Poof's long ass neck and stoner face in this movie, what about you Kevin? That was a point that saddened me. Yarael wasn't even on the council in Attack of the Clones either. Maybe he got rotated out, or said something to upset Mace. Mace got sick of looking at his happy ass face. It's hard to give the "Onyx" face to every Jedi that annoys the shit out of you with their questions when you have Yarael's happy ass smiling at you from across the room, he had to go. No shit. When Mace wanted to SLAM, and let the boys be boys, Yarael probably just stared at him with the same open mouth gaze and maybe drooled a little. I guess I can live under the assumption that he survived on some random planet in isolation, and Qui-Gon communes with him so he can get a magical ghost body. Maybe in Special Edition version 23 they'll replace Anakin at the end of Jedi with a ghost body Yarael. Wouldn't that be a neat, confusing twist? Kind of like Jar-Jar running around in the woods for the E.T. Special Edition DVD. I'm pretty sure that's a hidden easter egg. Onto that Twi'leck bitch. Who cares about her, but the clones sure wasted no ammo in making sure she was dead. Yeah, it's almost like George has something against women. The male Jedi die rather quick deaths, but there is no mercy for her.

Maybe I'm jumping ahead here, but what brought me back to being annoyed with the Jedi was how the others with Mace went down like chumps against Sidious. I mean, that one nitz with the dreads didn't even get a swing in, he just stood there with his saber above his head until he got ran through. Come on, you fuckers are masters on the council and you can't even ignite your sabers before you get killed?! I believe the only one who even swung his saber was Kit Fisto, the green squid headed, alien eyed guy who died third. Either that or he moved a few feet and then got sliced to shit. I thought he got it first? Nah, that was the dude with the long dark hair, he was just shocked as shit to see Palpatine do that twirly bird move, then he was stuck like Qui-Gon and died. Oh yeah, the Middle Eastern Jedi. Bet he's at the bottom of the list for most powerful jedi. Mace is the only one who lives to fight and this raises a question. I know Mace is a powerful Jedi, but he is no Yoda, yet he beats Sidious and kicks him in the face or chest. What the hell was that? Maybe Sidious had foresaw the future and this was the only way to get Anakin to turn to the darkside. I am pretty sure that Sidious was faking most of the time after Anakin showed up at the brawl. However, it did seem a little pussy-footed to go down that quick. Didn't his saber fly out the window too? But yet, he has it back to battle Yoda with. Another good point. Here I am walking along, just minding my own business, maybe going to the super market when all of a sudden a lightsaber just slices me in two. Worse yet, it cuts into the stability control system of Bail Organa's air speeder and he crash lands into the Jedi temple, killing him instantly and rendering him useless to resuce Yoda. The possibilities.

Now lets talk about Anakin and his fall to the darkside. I feel George did it the best way possible. Anakin turned because was trying to save his wife, he believed Palpatine could help him achieve that goal. Some people do it for power, or money or oil, Anakin did it for love. Bravo George. I never really cared for Darth Vader, but now I feel sorry for him. He turned the universe upside down to save Padme and becomes the very reason she dies, furthermore he is led to believe that he killed her with the choke hold. Do you think he turned too fast? I don't. I don't really think it was too fast. I love the general theme behind it, that women can make a person psycho as fuck and do lots of stupid shit. Wait, that seems to be a general theme behind everything Star Wars; women suck, we don't want them in our universe. Overall, I thought it was done pretty well, it shows that Anakin was good at heart. Which is why I always loved Vader's character. He's like the Jesus that went astray, slaughtered his herd, then right before dying, repents and is saved. I mean, talk about the best of both worlds. Tag a hot broad, kill some bad guys, then switch it up, kill some dickhead Jedi, choke mofo's, then go google when your son shows up and save him from an old man and get a magical ghost body at the end of it all. Sounds like Anakin mastered the art of "Cheating the System" very well. Very well indeed. As for the rebuilding of Darth Vader, I like the dark stormy night atmosphere, much like creating the monster of Frankenstein. I caught that whole homage, even with him stumbling off the platform after hearing Padme's dead. A little too close to Frankenfuck.

How about the Wookie planet of Kashyyyk? It was alright. I have always wondered what the planet, cities and homes looked like. The books made them out to be a more techno-advanced Ewok city in the trees. I guess George thought so too. The wookies were tearin' shit up in that battle. I remember thinking to myself, I would have to be a droid to go on a suicide mission like that and fight a shit load of Wookies. There was one part in that battle that confused me. A giant fuckin' monster truck with missiles flyin' out of it, comes from out of nowhere and starts runnin' shit over while heading to the water front. I recall this shot. I watched the truck the whole time to see if it ran over any wookies or vehicles, but it went out of the scene before it caught up to anyone. I know wookies are able to drive all types of vehicles and space craft, but this monster truck is clearly out of control. I did some thinking and I have come up with this scenario: Chewbacca's drunken cousins Jowdrrl, Dryanta, Shoran, and his son, Lumpawarrump, were on the 84th hour of a booze and drug binge, epic by wookie standards, when they stumbled onto the monster truck and decided the best thing to do was to take if for a spin around the hood. What happened after that was pure chaos. You think they had Lumpawarrump drive? Probably. I mean, better the younger, more sober drive than the older, more tweaked out, right? Well they were all under the influence. Maybe they didn't even know there was a battle going on. They just wanted to do some muddin' and next thing you know, the fireworks of battle are messing up their drug induced minds, and they think friggin tiny demon fairy's are coming to get them. Shit, hit those buttons over there Dryanta! Hahaha. I'm laughing my ass off thinking about this.

One point about the droids I liked this time around was that they gave them more emotions. They were afraid a lot of the time, around the jedi and stuff. But this could be seen as a bad thing, since droids aren't supposed to really act like living things. I would be afraid of the Jedi too, Mace probably gave C-3P0 the "Onyx" look and he shit himself. "Hello Sir, I am fluent in over six mill- (enter Onyx face) oh, OH MY! R2 what's happening to me?" R2 on the other hand received some upgrades, he really fucked up those battle droids who were pushing him around. Taking a page out of the Drunken Master hand book of self defense, R2 vomits flammable oil all over the battle droids, then he lights them on fire using his afterburner thrusters from Episode II. George must like Jackie Chan movies. Very good parallel you saw there.

Anakin vs. Obi-Wan was an intense lightsaber battle as was Yoda vs. Sidious. Anakin and Obi-Wan are jumping and back flipping all over the place as well as throwing the occasional kick and punch. I think it was meant to be very equal since Obi-Wan taught Anakin everything he knew. True. You could see them both using moves the other knew, and they kept getting out of them. I saw Obi try that wrap around trick that was used on Dooku, but Anakin knew it and got out of it. The one thing i didn't like was them doing the force push thing at the same time. Why? I mean, I enjoyed utilizing that move in the Zone to throw fuckers into the carbon freeze chamber, but it didn't work for me when they're both standing there with their hands 2 inches away from each others. Yeah, that was fun in the Zone. I like the Anakin vs. Obi-Wan battle in this movie, as you said they were pretty evenly matched. Now sit down and watch Episode IV: A New Hope. The battle between Obi-Wan and Darth in this movie is well, pathetic.. like a couple of old bitches trying to throw their purses at each other. That's what I thought after seeing The Phantom Menace. I mean, Obi-Wan does a little twirl and that's it. Please Mr. Lucas, update them. Getting back RotS, I now understand why Darth Vader preferred the trachea crush over force lightning. When you have robot arms and legs, force lighting is not a good idea, if he could even do it with out real limbs. I think the idea is he can't do it since it'd fuck up his suit and breathing apparatus. That too. The other fight in this film, Yoda vs. Sidious was pretty much the same, only there was more force throwing and shit. See, here's my problem. Any time I go to see a prequel in the theatre, I end up sitting next to some fucker who thinks it's the most hilarious thing ever to watch Yoda fight. They bust a gut, loudly and obnoxiously. Pisses me off. I mean, I enjoyed the fight, but I don't think it's giggly or cute when Yoda's flipping around and shit. I laugh to myself when I watch that fight, Sidious is a fuckin' nut. He's all laughing uncontrollably thru the whole fight, even when he is hanging on for his life from a senate pod. Don't let Palpatine turn the force lighting on himself, he gets all tingly down there. Heee, that is entertaining when he's just freaking out like that. He did a bit in Return of the Jedi too. But now that I've brought that point up, I'd like to address an overall issue with these prequels. Take the Sidious thing, the Obi-Wan/Anakin fights, and R2's jet packs. George built up all these characters to be badass, multi-talented, etc., only to be brought down to nothing in the classic set. All of a sudden we have to believe R2's jet packs don't work, Obi/Vader are too old to fight well, and Palpatine doesn't find humor in killing. I guess that's what happens with movie technology and doing things backwards. Yeah, I get a little bummed out watching the classic trilogy. The space battles could use some major updating, I mean I can run faster than the x-wing fighters in Episode IV.

Now, my main beef with RotS is the lack of explanation on the magical ghost body. They said over and over it would be explained. Then, at the last second, Lucas cuts a scene with Yoda meditating and Qui-Gon speaks to him about it. So they leave it to that little bit after the discussion of the twins. I hear this will be a deleted scene on the DVD.. I did hear that as well. So, all along it was some sort of simple "trick" that lucky people can do? I mean, did Qui-Gon study it before or after death? And what makes him so special that he can retain his identity after death, and continue to learn about the force from other dead force users, and even speak to living ones? Not to mention this whole idea goes to pot at the end of Return of the Jedi, when Vader/Anakin dies and receives his ghost body. A., motherfucker was never taught that trick by Obi or Yoda or Qui-Gon. B., why did they change it in the DVD's to make him look young in his ghost body form when he died old? That just sort of confuses things even further. And that shit pisses me off. I feel your anger and you use it well. Qui-Gon was part hippy and because of that he was tuned into the living force as he mentioned in The Phantom Menace . As for young Anakin showing up in Return of the Jedi, maybe you can choose how you want to look like in The Matrix, or you show up as you did when you were on the lightside? I think George did it for continuity purposes. Well, wouldn't he still be old either way, since he came back to the light side as a wrinkled up old nut sack, just moments before death? But, now that you mention Qui-Gon's hippyness again, it makes me like him more. We may have to read the books or wait for the TV series to find out about the ghost bodies.

Back in 1999 Kevin and I did our review of Episode I: The Phantom Menace. In that review we had a disagreement about one character and that was Darth Sidious. We were split as to who he was. I felt it was fairly obvious that Sidious was Palpatine. Kevin felt Palpatine was to become the apprentice of Darth Sidious. For more on that argument, read the June 1999 LTC. I just want to say told you so. I bow my head and acknowledge my mistake. I have no excuses, but I seemed to think that they would go farther back in the Sith line, and show how Palpatine came upon the Force and began using it. I see you will again make a powerful sith lord.

There is a lot more we could cover on this movie, but we'll save it for another day. I want to say it's great to be back, the LunchTray Conspiracy is a lot of fun to work on. Same here. I was afraid that I might have lost my touch with this kind of rant, but it looks like this will be a great return issue. I agree. We're not too sure if the LTC will be a monthly issue, but we will be back with more, so keep checking back and go see this awesome movie. Later. Cheers.

Kevin

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