You want a cup of Jawa juice?

Hello, Hello. In the last issue, Kevin and I looked at some of the finer points of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. If you read that issue and thought we were a bit harsh, too bad, fuck you.. we are not here to please you. This issue we are going to take a close look at Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. You may ask why we haven't done this before now? Well, in April 2001 we were overcome by a shape shifting fear parasite. "Overcome." That's a cute way to put it... Ok, I was tortured by a mechanical spider and you were anally raped by EVE-9D9. From my viewpoint, it looked like the mechanical spider was "torturing" you by clamping down on your nut sack with his claw thing. Yeah, well.. I used the Force to regrow them. I have Force Nuts now. So, after our defeat, we were inserted into the Matrix and forced to fight in the Clone Wars.. or maybe we just like to do things like George Lucas. We didn't feel that the technology was good enough for our Attack of the Clones(AotC) review, so we waited until the time was right. So there you have it, now sit back and relax as you join us on our examination of AotC. Kevin say something funny. I made Himee eat his shit from his bed. You mean bastard.

AotC takes place ten years after Episode I: The Phantom Menace. For those of you who are mathematically challenged, this means Anakin is 19, Obi-Wan is 34 and Padme is 24. Anakin is now the Padawan learner to Obi-Wan's Jedi Knight who are both assigned to be Senator Padme's guardians. I guess that was the love triangle that Lucas Film kept talking about before the movie was released. Lucas Film seems to say shit just for the hell of it. There was no love triangle that I could see, just Anakin stalking, I mean protecting Padme and expressing his love for her. Anakin, overall in this movie, has the whole teenager attitude. Ungrateful, gets pissed when anyone tells him, or suggests to him, what to do. It's always got to be his way or he gets all whiney and upset. Obi-Wan guarded Padme for one night and then went off to play Dick Tracy to figure out who was trying to kill her. He later runs into that old shriveled up nut sack they call Count Dooku. Dooku is all into S&M, which is why we see Obi-Wan restrained in that force field on Geonosis, they were role playing. Lucas actually cut out the scene with the whips and chains. In the end Padme tells Anakin she loves him and they run off to Naboo to get married. Fuck off: the Love Triangle, the dialogue in every scene involved in the love triangle. That shit makes me feel embarrassed to watch it. It really made me feel fear for Episode III. We all know he came through with bearable dialogue in that one, though.

So Count Dooku hires Jango Fett who hires Zam Wesell to assassinate Senator Padme. Apparently Jango was too busy masturbating to the sight of all those clones of himself? Yeah, who needs a mirror. So, Zam's shape shifting ass uses a flying droid to sneak some alien centipedes into Padme's room so they can give her the kiss of death. The plan fails, Obi-Wan jumps out a window and goes for a ride with the flying droid through the busy sky lanes of Coruscant. Anakin drives like a bat out of hell to save Obi-Wan and then to chase after Zam. Now for the best part of the whole saga.. Neo jumps out of his air speeder into a controlled skydive, wait I mean Anakin jumps out of his air speeder to sky dive right on top of Zam's air speeder to save the day, ah hell this stunt feels like the Matrix. What that stunt felt like was fucking retarded. The effects in this one just pushed my buttons. Let's backtrack to the beginning, the first explosion on the landing platform. Looked fake as fuck. I mean, a first round cut from WETA tryouts could make a better special effect on a Commodore 64. Damn! The next effect that truly should have been left out, from my certain point of view, is that lame scene with Anakin riding that animal through the plains on Naboo. Talk about not knowing how to make a realistic looking fall off of a CG animal. You make a good point. I'm not sure what happens to ILM when it comes to Star Wars movies. ILM has more time to work on perfecting the effects of a Star Wars movie than they do for a non-Star Wars movie, so you would think the work would be better. I recently watched War of the Worlds which had all of the effects done by ILM and they were great. Some were a little too realistic which made it kind of creepy. I want to see that movie, I'm a huge fan of the book. I already hate the fact that the movie takes place in the present day, in America, rather than early 1900's London. That era made us seem really helpless to the Martians. You won't like the Martians, think Independence Day. Motherfuck. I fucking hated those aliens. In the book, they describe the Martians well, and they'd better look similar or I will fire bomb. The Koresh Strikes Back? Part VIII.

The Jedi Council is all here, but some members have a different attitude this time around. Mace Windu pulls the biggest 180 in Star Wars history. Gone are the days of giving Jedi the "Onyx" face, now he's all about kissing some ass. Mace is content with reminding everybody that Anakin is the "chosen one" and sticks up for him whenever he can. Mace's sith name would be Darth Bi-Polar. Yeah, Mace even gives Anakin the job of protecting Padme. Go ahead Mace, see if you can get your head any further up Anakin's ass. Obi-Wan voices his concern that Anakin is not yet ready for the task of protecting Padme by himself. Mace reassures him once more that Anakin is the "chosen one," so its cool. I noticed a new face in the council, his name is Oppo Rancisis. What about that Dino looking jedi? He eventually gets his ass blasted by Jango while trying to take out Dooku in the Geonosis battle. We'll get to him in a minute, for he is important to our point of view. Oppo is a big bearded snake with long ass claws on his hands. Click on his picture and look at those damn claws. He looks like a cross between Santa Claus and a ancient Chinese kung-fu master who desperately needs a hit of opium. *Laughs* I wonder what Oppo's specialty was? Maybe he could Force Bite you from a distance, kind of like Force Grip in Jedi Knight II. Maybe he could Force Shit. What would he do with that? I don't know. Shoot it like a rocket? SPLAT. I just thought maybe while he was meditating, he'd shit himself like Himee, but it'd be more of a mental thing, like his bowels don't actually do anything, shit just ends up in his pants. He could also do Force Shit on opponents. Say he's getting ready to dual someone lightsaber style. Well, those claws aren't helping with his utilization of said weapon, so at the beginning of the battle he'd use Force Shit and his opponents would all of a sudden have shit in their pants. They'd certainly be confused, lose their train of thought/meditation, and then he could have Ki-Adi come save him. Wow, I.. I don't even know what to say.. I think we have an amazing subject for a future issue. Fine. So lets talk about Dino Head Jedi. His name is Coleman Trebor, he hails from the planet Sembla and is the heir to the Coleman Camping Supply corporation. Coleman does carry a bit of sad news with him. He was appointed to the council after the death of... Yarael Poof. What!! Yeah, I guess that answers the question as to why Yarael is not in Episode II and Episode III . What a load of shit. My man Yarael faked his death to get out of the Council. He was over that happy force bullshit. Yarael's death would also explain why Mace is in such a good mood for this film. You don't need the "Onyx" face when you take it to the next level and get rid of the things that annoy you. So, as Kevin stated earlier, Coleman here does get his ass blasted by Jango when he goes for Dooku. Great replacement. Another opening in the council, hello Obi-Wan.

When did Jawa juice become a sought after drink? I mean Obi-Wan orders a glass when he is in Dex's diner. What is Jawa juice? That blue stuff? Yes, but what exactly is it? Hmm. I don't think it's blood since the republic would never allow Jawa's to be slaughtered just so people could have a nice tall glass of Jawa blood at the local diner. Piss? I think we can rule out piss, no one likes to drink piss, I don't care how crazy your ass is. What then? I think Jawa juice is really sperm that is bottled and marketed as a protein shake. Protein is good for the hair and Obi-Wan does have an awfully thick and shiny mane of hair on his head. I guess Jawa's who choose not to scavenge droid's and sell junk go on to become jizz milkers for the privileged people of Coruscant. Wonder what kind of porn they look at? Maybe two jawa's tag teaming a female Tusken Raider or something. ...and you say I need help... and maybe I do since I thought they might have some robot S&M sex tapes featuring EVE-9D9 in her torture chamber. That's true, those Jawa's love their robots. Maybe they make the robots perform sex acts in front of them in the bowels of their Sandcrawlers in order to help them "create" their protein shakes. One can only wonder.

Episode II introduced us to Jango Fett who is the father of all clones. Jango sounds like the name of a monkey you would see at the zoo. Good one. Jango is pretty beefy compared to his clone Boba Fett that you see later in the series, Boba was a bit of a stick. However, all that bulk and muscle comes in handy when fighting Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan takes a beating when you think about it, he has the force on his side and Jango does not. I guess Jango's gadgets evened up the odds a bit and gave him the edge. Later in the movie Jango takes on Mace Windu who makes him look like a bitch with no head. I loved that little tussle they had. Fucking Boba fans from the classic trilogy, you know they were cheering for Jango in this one. But Jango is a fucking ponce. Go ahead, shoot your chump ass blaster from 5 feet away and not even hit Mace. Before you realize you're fucked, you already are. Goodnight. Haha. That little scene felt reminiscent of the fight between Lurtz and Aragorn in Fellowship of the Ring, where they're playing a little paddy-cake with swords. You can see it in Lurtz's face as he realizes Aragorn is way better than him, and the next thing he knows his arm is gone and he's got a 10 foot blade in his chest. Well, the Lurtz vs. Aragon fight is much, much better.. plus it looks real. Of course it's better, I didn't think I needed to state the obvious. Oh. How about the facial expressions of Mace, Dooku and Boba when Jango's head is cut off. Mace pulls out his "Onyx" face while looking at Jango's head then looks up and sends it Dooku's way which translates into a unspoken "yeah muthafucka." Dooku, caught off guard by the whole ordeal, reacts with a slight flinch and look of utter disbelief that Jango was so easily killed by Mace, then he heaves a sigh and gives Mace a tight nod, kind of like he is saying "you bastard, how dare you." Classic. Boba is shocked that Jango is dead, so shocked he looks comatose. I believe that winged alien guy even flinched when Mace shot the "Onyx" face up at Dooku. I think he Force Projected that image into everyone's mind there, as a humble way of letting them all know he's the man. That would be the shit!

How about them Kamino Cloners? Looks like they were related to the aliens from Artificial Intelligence. I wasn't too impressed with them. I bet they have alot in common with Yarael Poof, maybe he is a half breed cousin or something? Maybe that was Yarael's weekend retreat planet, where he could "unwind" from Jedi stress. I have yet to see A.I., but I want to. I heard about the similarities. They were alright. You notice how most of the time, better, more intelligent species, in the human eye at least, are always taller? Hmm. I'm taller bitch. Hey, I bet ET is Yarael's dad. He looks like a Kaminoan, only he has skin like ET. Come on now, don't fuck around. Or maybe that's what ET was doing, huh? Even ET knows how to use his glow stick.

Ok, lets talk about the Jedi rescue on Geonosis, this is where Mace and a bunch of Jedi come to save Anakin, Obi-Wan and Padme from their death sentence. This rescue turns into a battle and it is pretty disappointing.. or funny depending how you look at it. The jedi were a bit disappointing overall in this movie. So we have the Jedi .vs the Trade Federation droids. The Jedi are all powerful, yet they just run into battle like a bunch of drunken Scott's men with no plan. I can imagine a crazed Jedi Master Wallace leading the charge yelling "Freeedom" at the top of his lungs. Ha. Now what happened to team work? You tell me. I mean shit you have the force at your disposal, why not combine your efforts to pick up the pillars in the arena and use them to crush the droids? How about a giant force storm? A big force shield could have saved a bunch of Jedi. How about a big collective Force Shit? How would that work on battle droids? Good point, just something to pass the time I guess. I suppose french hippy Jedi and his friend had to die, even though they gave Anakin and Obi-Wan light sabers so they could defend themselves. It makes me wonder... I have this theory about life, that maybe we're all here to do one certain thing that helps someone/something out, and so on down the line. After you accomplish your task, you're useless really. Maybe their whole purpose in existing was to throw sabers to Obi and Anakin, and having accomplished that, they became needless. Their reward was getting cut down by laser fire. Demanded by ye gods it is. Anyway, did you see that one stupid Asian Jedi girl? Yeah. She must have been autistic, she was Force Pushing the air with no one around her. What are you doing girl, repelling mosquitoes? So, only a few Jedi survived that battle, which was a real shame since it was droids they were fighting. Imagine if they were fighting a bunch of dark Jedi? Pfff. No one would have survived. Pussies.

So now we come to the Clone Wars, which only happens in the last fifteen minutes of the movie. Yoda saves the rest of the bitch ass Jedi's when he arrives with a shit load of Jango Fett's who blow the fuck out everything in sight. The Clones put the Jedi to shame with their ass kicking abilities and team work. So the Clone Wars have started and I was left wishing I could see more of it. I mean that was the main idea behind the title right? I think Attack of the Jango Fett's is a better title for this film.

Every Star Wars film has a light saber battle near the end of the movie. AotC featured Count Dooku vs. Anakin, Obi-Wan and Yoda. Yoda, that dude is a chump. Just because you can flip around and jump off walls while dueling with lightsabers doesn't mean you're a good swordsman, or even fighter. He looks like a whirl wind of destruction. Let's take a count, shall we? Yoda has two lightsaber battles. Yoda loses two lightsaber battles. Yoda gives the fuck up on lightsabers and sticks to backward ass dialect to confuse people into thinking he's a better jedi than he really is. Oh, he's good at meditating though. Meditate, he can, yes. Anakin and Obi-Wan's parts in this battle are not even worth talking about. Oh, that reminds me of Anakin's sad battle. Here we have him dueling, dancing, prancing, fighting. Then, he stops and puts his arms out like he's praising the Maker, at which point Dooks plays lop the appendage. Honestly, no move was made in the dual to make Anakin's arms go out to his sides. Come on. How about Obi-Wan going down like an old lady with the flesh wounds that Dooku gave him? He acted like his leg and arm were cut off. Maybe Dooku knows Force Shit, and to add insult to injury, he put a turd in Obi's outfit, so he just stayed down rather than try and fight with a log in his pants. Not to mention the visible stains one would see. What better way to defeat a Jedi? None better than humiliation in defeat.

Well folks, there you have it, our view on Attack of the Clones. Yup. What did we all learn? There is no love triangle, Jawa juice is sperm, Mace is bi-polar, Jango is a ponce, Kevin is the master of the Force Shit and the Jedi don't like team work. We also learned that Yarael become one with the force in between Episode I and Episode II, which is the greatest accomplishment a jedi can achieve. Yoda says so. We're going to take a break from the reviews next month and focus on the upcoming Star Wars TV series set to debut in 2007. Look for our views on the facts and rumors as well as what we think the series should be about. I must go pick on Himee now. I'm gonna take a nap.

Kevin

Ray